HYACINTH:
(spoken) If I’m ever to show my face in society again, I’ve got to find a new cause of my own, and quickly! Come, come, any ideas?

ENTOURAGE:
Daisy Greville has the old
Lady Sitwell has the blind

HYACINTH:
And the fund for sailors' widows?

ENTOURAGE:
That’s the two of them combined

HYACINTH:
Night school for the nervous?

ENTOURAGE:
Lady Beach and Margaret Guest

HYACINTH:
Crutches for the crippled?

ENTOURAGE;
That was Elsie Pond's bequest

HYACINTH:
Wayward women?
ENTOURAGE:
Daisy Greville

HYACINTH:
Who’s behind disfigured men?

ENTOURAGE:
Daisy Greville

HYACINTH:
And the deaf?
Don’t tell me--it’s Greville yet again
Everyone’s got something. Can’t you see why I’m bereft?
I want to do some good, but what the devil’s left?

ENTOURAGE:
What the devil’s left?

MONTY:
(spoken) If I may, your Ladyship, one hears about such terrible poverty in Egypt these days…

HYACINTH:
(spoken) Egypt. Land of the Pharaohs and of Moses the Israelite. Home to the Great Pyramids and the Sphinx. That's it!

(sung) We’ll populate an orphanage in Cairo
With foundlings from the reeds along the Nile
To watch a creature grow, to swaddle it and know
The joy of its pathetic little smile
ENTOURAGE:
Its little smile

HYACINTH:
The news will travel soon enough to London

ENTOURAGE:
To London

HYACINTH:
Our selflessness will meet with great acclaim

ENTOURAGE:
Huzzah!

HYACINTH:
The sniping will be stilled
And the empire will be filled
With homes for bastard children in my name
(spoken) All aboard the Luxor express to Cairo!

MONTY:
(spoken) And off she went. What I'd failed to tell her was that a violent uprising against the empire was imminent, and no British citizen was considered safe, so you can imagine my surprise when Lady Hyacinth returned to London, quite unharmed

HYACINTH:
(spoken) Oh, where will my largesse be truly appreciated?
I need a place so low that hope itself has been abandoned!
MONTY:
(spoken) You’ve heard, of course, of the untouchables in India?

HYACINTH:
(spoken) India. Land of Hindus and Muslims, of tamarind and saffron. Exotic and unknowable. That's it!

(sung) We’ll find ourselves some lepers in the Punjab
The hopeless and the wretched and the cursed
Forgotten and unblessed

ENTOURAGE:
Unblessed

HYACINTH:
I’ll take them to my breast

ENTOURAGE:
Your breast

HYACINTH:
If Daisy Greville doesn’t get there first
When we arrive, they’ll hobble out to greet us

ENTOURAGE:
Hello there

HYACINTH:
Their toothless grins would melt a heart of stone

ENTOURAGE:
Ahhh

HYACINTH:
And every dilettante
Will envy me and want
A colony of lepers of her own
Now, not a word to even your mothers 'til we leave, although--
Come to think of it, what is the point of helping others unless you let the whole world know?
(spoken) Call the Times of London!

MONTY:
(spoken) And off she went. I'd neglected to mention the malaria pandemic in the Punjab--a bit of insurance, in case leprosy itself failed to prove contagious. So you can imagine my shock when Lady Hyacinth returned to London in record time, quite the picture of health
I don’t suppose you’d be willing to penetrate the jungle of deepest, darkest Africa…

HYACINTH:
(spoken) Africa. From Zululand to Yoruba, home of proud warriors, their naked torsos rippling in the firelight!

(sung) We’ll civilize a village in the jungle

ENTOURAGE:
The jungle

HYACINTH:
It can’t take long to learn their mother tongue

ENTOURAGE:
Not long then

HYACINTH:
Of words, they have but six
And five of them are clicks

ENTOURAGE:
*click*

HYACINTH:
And all of them are different words for dung
And can’t you see their frightful painted faces

ENTOURAGE:
Their faces

HYACINTH:
They’ll teach us how to swing from vine to vine

ENTOURAGE:
From vine to vine to vine

HYACINTH:
It’s Daisy Greville’s loss
She’ll never come across
A tribe of backward natives worse than mine

HYACINTH & ENTOURAGE:
The Hottentots and Pygmies may appall us...

HYACINTH:
But even they are part of God’s design

ENTOURAGE:
Ahhh

HYACINTH:
We bid you all goodbye

ENTOURAGE:
Goodbye

HYACINTH:
Let all of London try
To find a tribe of natives worse than mine

Charity toward others is divine

ENTOURAGE:
Divine, divine, divine, divine, charity is divine