[MENDEL]
Sit down, my dear
I hear you have a problem
I'm sure you're not disgusting or indiscreet
Take a load off your feet

[TRINA, spoken]
Thank you.​

[MENDEL, spoken]
Happy or sad?

[TRINA, spoken]
Well, I—

[MENDEL, spoken]
Eh, eh— That's a question with no answer.​

(sung)
Let's not discuss the weather, let's face the facts
Marvin's wife must relax

[TRINA]
Love isn't sex
That's a thing my husband once told me
Marvin, my ex
You've seen him for years
Told me over the phone to tell you my fears
Do you only treat queers?
[MENDEL laughs.]

[MENDEL, spoken]
No.​

(sung)
Breathe deep, my dear
You'll find me understanding
Your pain is a priori
Unfold your untold story
Now to break bread
Loosen your glands
Put your head in my hands

[TRINA]
I'm everything he wanted
It's time I put it all together
The date was set
My father let me marry
I married, I

Then Marvin came from work
Sat me down on the bed
He told me how he loved me
How needed and/or valued me
I have
[MENDEL]
What?

[TRINA & MARVIN]
Syphilis

[TRINA]
He said

[MENDEL]
Good

[TRINA]
I have

[MENDEL]
Yes?

[TRINA & MARVIN]
Syphilis

[TRINA]
It's true

[MENDEL]
Good
[TRINA]
I had something rotten
Which appears though now it's well forgotten

[MARVIN, TRINA, BOTH]
Maybe, darling (Maybe darling)
So do (So do)
You

[TRINA]
I am probably diseased

[MENDEL]
You're a lovely girl

[TRINA]
And so easily appeased

[MENDEL]
What a lovely girl, though she's possibly diseased

[TRINA]
He took pains to not excite us
He explains I've

[TRINA & MARVIN]
Hepatitis

[TRINA]
Too

[MARVIN, JASON, & WHIZZER]
Hepa hepa hepatitis
Hepatitis, hepatitis?

[MENDEL]
Love is blind
Love can tell a million stories
Love's unkind
Spiteful in a million ways

[TRINA]
Then I stayed home from work
Took good care of my men
They faked despair, they wet their bed
They combed their hair, they acted dead
One said

[MENDEL]
Yes?

[JASON]
Daddy is a prick

[MENDEL]
What?

[TRINA]
He said

[MENDEL]
Yes?

[JASON]
Daddy isn't mine

[MENDEL]
Good

[TRINA]
He filled my coats
With candies and notes
With "Will you be my valentine?"

[MARVIN]
Will you be my valentine?

[TRINA]
This gets harder to believe

[MENDEL]
You're a damaged girl

[TRINA]
I've a scalpel up my sleeve

[FOUR MEN]
What a damaged girl

[MENDEL]
Do not ever slit your wrists

[TRINA]
I've missed him, he's still missing
Don't make noise, but daddy's kissing
Boys

[MARVIN, JASON, & WHIZZER]
Petty, petty, petty, petty

[MENDEL & TRINA]
Love is blind
Love can tell a million stories
Love's unkind
Spiteful in a million ways

[ALL]
Love is blind
Love can tell a million stories
Love's unkind
Spiteful in a million ways

[MARVIN, OTHERS]
(Love) Love is crazy
Love is often boring
(Love) Love stinks
Love is pretty often debris
(Love) When you find
What you find, then
(Love) Never, never, never, never, never
Do it over again
(Love) Love reads
Like a bad biography
(Love) All the names are changed
To protect the innocent

[ALL]
Love is blind

[MENDEL]
My name is Mendel
I treat her husband
I think she's very insecure
But so am I

I've never married
Work, work is my passion
Or perhaps that's an alibi

[MARVIN, spoken]
Yeah, perhaps it is.​

[MENDEL, spoken]
Yeah, I don't care to discuss it.​

(sung)
I think she's charming
I think she's needy
In just five sessions on my couch
She'll be like new

[ALL]
His name is Mendel

[WHIZZER]
Ah-ah

[MENDEL]
Return next Friday
I admit I admire you