[Verse 1: Katya as Trish]
Hey, guys, I'm Trish
I'm from Quincy, Mass., but I live in the dumpster outside a hooker bar downtown
I got hit out of my mom's garage, I catch a client here or there
It's not really a reliable paycheck, y'know?
I'm 14 days clean and sober by the grace of God
I still smoke a lil' bit of pot, but it's whateva
Hey, ladies thank you so much for having me over
Listen, I don't want your pity or nothin'
And I'm not gonna pick your pockets or start a fight
Those days are over, I'm a new woman and it's Christmas
I don't let the Devil in my heart today
No, that parking space is reserved
I got a reserved parking space, and guess whose name is on it
God!
I got a similar sign down near my crotch and that's for Bobby
Hey, Bobby, if you're listenin' I still love you
And I heard you're out on parole
So maybe we can make it work, it's the holidays after all

[Chorus]
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
All togetha, it's whateva
Merry Christmas, I had too much to drink
Uuuugh, crap
[Verse 2]
My biggest Christmas wish is to have anotha kitty
I had a kitty back in the day named Glen, but I'm allergic so I had to put him down
Anotha thing I want is to not sleep in a dumpster
I also love snacks
It's the holidays, you know, so if I gain a little weight?
Well, that's a snackrifice I'm willing to make

[Chorus]
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
All togetha, it's whateva
Merry Christmas, I can't feel my feet
I got spina bifida, had it all my life

[Verse 3]
Hey, Happy New Years
Happy New Year to me and Happy New Year to you
For New Years resolutions I'm thinkin' I gotta be a better me
No scammin', no schemin'
And if I go on a tear for three weeks I just gotta make sure it's not with Vicky and Jane
'Cuz last time, we took a bunch of acid and stole a mummy out of the History Museum
Turns out, we just kidnapped some old lady and she died
Oh well, Happy New Year

[Chorus]
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
All togetha, it's whateva
Merry Christmas, can I bum a cig, please?
I wanna smoke so bad...
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
All togetha, it's whateva
Merry Christmas, I'm going back to sleep
In my dumpster, I'm gonna go sleep in the trash
Merry Christmas