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[Verse 1]
Umm, let's see...
Okay, so one night I took an incredibly long shower to shave every inch of my goddamn body (Ooh)
Probably an hour and a half
And then I started the very intricate, pain staking process of doing the douche (The docuhe?)

[Verse 2]
All in preparation for a wonderful gentleman who I had met on the internet
Craigslist, to be exact (Who's Craig?)
I put on my very best, clean, brand fresh and new come hither lingire and waited for him perched

[Verse 3]
And I'm checking the clock
He's 20 minutes late, 30 minutes late
That muthafucker never shows up
Thank god he didn't, because while I was checking for another date at the computer, I farted and a whole bunch of douche water came out of my ass

[Pre-hook]
(Outta my ass, outta my ass, outta my ass)
(Out, out, outta ass)
(Out, out, outta, outta, outta...)
Girl...
I douched for this?!
[Hook]
(I douched for this?)
(I, I, I douched for this?)
(I, I, I douched for this?)
(I, I, I douched for this?)
(I fucking douched for this?)

[Chorus]
Save your excuses I don't need them
Flush your complaining down the toilet
Do you need a towelette cause I'm fucking wrecked
It ain't for my own good

[Verse 4]
You supposed to throw out my back
The only reason I bothered with that
Juicy like toffee unwrapped
No side dish for you to savour with that, oh

[Verse 5]
(Oooh, till the water runs clean) My fleet was ready
But you ain't steady
My engine revving
Can't reach ascension
(Oooh, till the water runs clean) I flushed your demons
Preparing heaven
My gate's wide open, oh
[Bridge]
I should've known that you would let me down
I should've known you'd find some body else in town
I should've saved my insides from drowning out
I don't know why, it happens every time I

[Post-Bridge]
(Oooo why you wasting my time?)
It happens every time I
(Ooo why you wasting my time?)
Happens every time I douche
(Ooo why you wasting my time?)
It happens every time I douche
(Ooo why you wasting my time?)
It happens every time I douche

[Hook]
(I, I, I douched for this?)
(I, I, I douched for this?)
(I, I, I douched for this?)
(I fucking douched for this?)

[Chorus]
Save your excuses I don't need them
Flush your complaining down the toilet
Do you need a towelette cause I'm fucking wrecked
It ain't for my own good
(I fucking douched for this?)