i was named after my father         who was named after his father         who fought a war for his country against a place he couldn't pronounce         he held a gun he says he never used         the gun left his hand but i don't think it ever left him         he came back and cleaned carpets for white folks         then moved his family into the same neighborhood as them         dad still remembers looking around and seeing no one who looked like him         most days i look around and don't see anyone who looks like me         most days i am still told i am picking up after white folks         i am trying to disentangle my name from my grandfather's gun         i am trying to pick it up off the carpet and place it         back where it belongs