Chris:
Guess what, ever since the world began
Same plot, everyone's been dumping on their fellow man
Pounding people they feel better than
I hope you're taking notes cause
You feel everyone deserves a shot
Get real
Some of us have got it, girl
And some got squat
That's the truth, oh honey, like it or not
I hate to break it to you

My daddy taught me
You get no where being nice
So now I'm sharing his advice:
The world according to Chris is
Better to strike then get struck
Better to screw then get screwed
You'd probably think it's bizarre
But that's the way things are

(Spoken)
Sue: But that doesn't mean it has to be that way! What does it cost to be kind?
Chris: Ew, what have you done with my best friend?
Billy, tell me, am I right, or am I right?
Billy:
Trust me
I swear
There's a dick in every class
Not fair
Each and every time I fail those losers pass
Hey, everyone of them can kiss my ass

Chris:
You wonder why I love him

Billy:
One year, there was this good looking guy
So queer
And on top of that he has a wandering eye
One day he looks at me
And, huh, bye-bye

Chris:
I bet he got the message

Chris and Billy:
We're here to tell you how this whole damn freak show works

All:
Oh, yeah yeah yeah
Chris and Billy:
If you don't listen, then you're jerks!

All:
The world according to Chris is
Better to punch than get punched
Better to burn than get burned
Learn that and you're gonna go far
Cause that's the way things are

Chris:
Ha-na na na na na na na na
Ha-na na na na na na na

All:
Ha-na na na na na na na na
Ha-na na na na na na na

(Spoken)
Sue: Do you believe her?
Tommy: C'mon, she's just being Chris
Sue: You weren't there. It was awful. We were hurting Carrie!
Tommy: Ah, I'm sure it wasn't that bad

Sue:
Tommy, you don't understand
What was just a joke got out of hand
We kept on screaming til she hit the floor
(Spoken)
Tommy: C'mon, everybody was doing it

Sue:
Hey, I was in there, too
What came over me was something new
I did things I'd never done before
And now I wish there's something
I could do or say
I've never ever felt this way

Tommy:
Look, Sue
Don't be so hard on yourself
You can tell me to keep my mouth shut
But, wanna know what I'd advise?

Sue:
What?

Tommy:
Apologize


(Spoken)
Sue: Apologize. Oh, Tommy! That's genius!

Chris:
Ew, Sue
I can tell you're feeling sad

All:
Boo Hoo!
So, we clobbered Carrie and that's too damn bad

Chris:
This is why you've gotta love my dad

All:
He's got the right idea

Chris:
My daddy taught me who's on top and who's below

All:
Who's below

Chris:
And now its time I let you know
The world according to Chris...

(Spoken)
Sue: You're joking, right? You can't possibly mean all this?
Chris: Why are you being such a buzz-kill?
Sue: Chris, grow up

All:
Ha-na na na na na na na
Ha-na na na na na na na na

Billy:
Let's start this party, people!
The world according to Chris
The world according to Chris
The world according to Chris
The world according to Chris

Chris:
(softly)
The world according to Chris is
Better to whip than get whipped
Even if somebody bleeds
Please
Nobody dies from a scar
And that's the way things
Are