[MAN 1]
Well, it's two o’clock on game day and here we are
At a theater on West 43rd

[WOMAN 1]
And we drove here from Jersey with hope in our hearts
Now we're standing like idiots out on the curb!

[MAN 2]
And the guy in the catsuit was totally rude
And the songs were all totally lame

[ENSEMBLE]
We were duped once again
By a marketing stunt
And Skittles-

[MAN 3]
And you sir
Are to blame

[MICHAEL C. HALL]
But you paid for this show
And you knew what it was
It says "commercial" right there on the thing!
You see ads every day
They're all over the place
So I don’t know why this time it should sting
[MAN 1, spoken]
Okay, right
So now it's our fault that Skittles betrayed us?

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Betrayed you?

[WOMAN 1, spoken]
Yes. Betrayed us
Our whole day is ruined now, plus we've all been betrayed

[MAN 3, spoken]
I don't know if I could ever trust a faceless, multi-national corporation again

[MICHAEL, spoken]
Come on, I thought everyone in America loves these big game ads

[WOMAN 1, spoken]
Oh? So now we're Americans?

[MICHAEL, spoken]
What?
I honestly don't understand why you're so upset

[MAN 3 & WOMAN 2]
Because advertising
It ruins everything
[ENSEMBLE]
Yes!
Advertising
Ruins everything!

[MICHAEL, *ENSEMBLE*]
But companies like Skittles all need advertising
*Advertising*
Look it up, friends, it's called free enterprising
*Ruins everything*
It’s just a commercial, stop your moralizing
*Advertising*
I don’t see the problem with advertising!
*Ruins everything*

[MAN 3]
It ruins the web
And it ruins TV
And it fills our inboxes with spam
And there's nothing we hate more
Than each tiny paid-for
Targeted ads served up on Instagram!

[MAN 4]
It stalks me online like some sad lonely ex
Tracking my every move
It knows what I eat
And the size of my feet
And it’s inside my brain and I do not approve!
[MICHAEL, *ENSEMBLE*]
What do you want from me?
*Advertising*
I'm just doing my job
*Ruins everything*
I was hired by Skittles
I'm caught in the middle
*Advertising*
You ill-tempered mob
*Ruins everything*

[MAN 5]
It makes me spend money I don't even have
Buying hundreds of shoes I don’t need
Which wouldn't be bad
If I wasn't a dad
With a wife and three children to feed!

[WOMAN 3]
It shows me how perfect a woman can be
And reminds me how perfect I'm not
I wish I was happier
But I feel crappier
With this new face that I bought!

[MICHAEL]
What have I done?
What if they're right?
What if I ruin Broadway by being in this ad tonight?
I see what you're saying
And I make you this pact:
I will never make an ad again, so long as I can act!
Because
Advertising
It ruins everything

[ALL]
Yes!
Advertising
Ruins everything
Advertising
Ruins everything
Advertising
Ruins everything

[MICHAEL, *ENSEMBLE*]
I really hate brand advertising
*Advertising*
Everything about it is demoralizing
*Ruins everything*
But here's one thing I'm just now realizing
*Advertising*
Wouldn't it be great if we could taste the rainbow?
*Ruins everything*

[ENSEMBLE, spoken]
What?

[MICHAEL]
Five fruit flavors that are deliciously surprising

[ENSEMBLE, spoken]
No!

[MICHAEL]
The perfect treat for this anti-capitalist uprising

[ENSEMBLE]
Oh my god, he's still advertising!