[MR. D]
Oh, you're alive
I suppose that's good news for you
But it means a lot more paperwork for me
So don't expect me to be happy to see you
Of course, being alive is temporary

(spoken)
So, maybe if I go away and play pinochle for a few hours, things might improve. For me. Not for you. You'd be dead.​

[PERCY, spoken]
Where am I?

[MR. D]
Great!
You haven't been debriefed
This is way out of my pay grade
Which is saying a lot
'Cause I don't get paid

(spoken)
Someone find Professor Hay-For-Breath and tell him Peter Johnson is awake, so he better clip-clop over here!

[PERCY, spoken]
It's Percy Jackson
[MR. D, spoken]
Whatever!

(sung)
Just another terrible day
At Camp Half-Blood
Where everything's the worst
Just another terrible day
When you're in charge
It's like you're cursed

(spoken)
Well, technically, I am cursed. One romp in the woods with Zeus' favorite wood nymph, and you're stuck running a summer camp for a bunch of needy half-bloods!

[PERCY, spoken]
Half-blood?

[MR. D, spoken]
Yeah, half-god, half-mortal. Does no one watch the orientation film?

[PERCY, spoken]
Did you say half-god?

[MR. D, spoken]
Yeah. And I half-care.​ Who's next? Silena Beauregard!
[SILENA enters, crying.]

[MR. D, spoken]
Oh, great, she's crying.​

[SILENA, spoken]
I was walking in the strawberry fields with Charlie Beckendorf and we were holding hands and everything was totally normal. And then I kissed him and all of a sudden he started growing sunflowers. Everywhere!

[MR. D]
Look, kid
I hate to be the one to tell you
But I think that Charlie Beckendorf was also holding hands with a nymph
That doesn't wanna wish you well
To tell you the truth
The best thing is to break up with the guy

(spoken)
'Course, who am I to give relationship advice? I'm literally the god of alcohol.​

[SILENA, spoken]
But he loves me!

[MR. D, spoken]
He loves you not! Next!

(sung)
Another terrible day
At Camp Half-Blood
Where everything's the worst
Just another terrible day
I'm the god of wine
And I'm dying of thirst
[PERCY, spoken]
Wait, did you say you're a god?

[MR. D, spoken]
Dionysus, god of wine. The gods are real. Yippy skippy. Ah, Katie Gardner. I see you've injured your arm.​

[KATIE, spoken]
I fell off a pegasus (giggles).​

[MR. D, spoken]
You don't have flying lessons on Thursdays, you have archery.​

[KATIE, spoken]
Those arrows are made of wood! Wood comes from trees! I refuse to participate in any activity that encourages the senseless slaughter of our arboreal friends!

[MR. D]
Oh, gods
Give me Ares or Apollo
Anyone but the Demeter kids' cabin
Now that you've blessed us
Go talk to Hephaestus
Before I take a knife to my head and start stabbing

(spoken)
And stay away from the pegasi! Girls and ponies
Ah, speaking of ponies.​

[MR. BRUNNER, spoken]
Percy!

[PERCY, spoken]
Mr. Brunner? What are you doing here? This guy is saying all this crazy stuff about nymphs and gods and... what is going on?

[MR. BRUNNER, spoken]
It's... complicated.​​

[MR. D]
Oh kid
You have no idea
About this place or your former mentor
I don't have time
To fill you in on the details
But look, he's also a centaur

(spoken)
God!

[MR. BRUNNER is revealed to be CHIRON, and whinnies.]

[CHIRON, spoken]
I did mean to tell you...

[MR. D, PERCY]
Another terrible day (Mr. Brunner!)
At Camp Half-Blood (You're a horse?)
Where everything's the worst

Just another terrible day (What is happening?)
You can hate it here
But I hated it first
Just another terrible day
Stuck with these runts
In the muck and mud
Another terrible day
Oh gods!

(spoken)
I need a drink.​

(sung)
Enjoy your stay
At Camp Half-Blood