Trixie: Hi, I'm Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I'm Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Because it's our show
Both: And not yours
Trixie: (laughs)
Cut
Katya: Traveling. Life on the road. How do you stay healthy when you travel so much?
Trixie: I don't sleep, I drink a LOT, and when you get an STD, don't treat it until it's absolutely serious. I used to wash myself too aggressively on the road getting out of drag every day. Soap in my penis, got an infection. Though it was gonorrhea, wasn't. They just said, "You have soap in your pеnis." So then when I got gonorrhea, I had onе interaction with a gentlemen in Province Town, Massachusetts, you've been
Katya: Sure
Trixie: Gonorrhea. That fast
Both: UNHhhh
Cut
Katya: Would you rather pee yourself a little bit all throughout the day or-
Trixie: Done. Stop there, I want that
Katya: (laughs) Or diarrhea shit yourself once a week?
Trixie: Oh! Shit myself once a week
Katya: Really?
Trixie: Yeah. Because when I had gonorrhea, the drip was such a heavy flow that I had to wear paper towels like it was a maxi pad, and it was irritating
Katya: (laughs)
Trixie: But I felt real fish, I felt so fish
Katya: I, in the summer-
Trixie: Right before I go on stage I have to change my wrap
Katya: (laughs)
Both: (laughs)
Trixie: I bet you guys at home, too, I would rather deal with one serious shit a week- Oh. What? Lick my teeth
Katya: (unintelligible)
Cut
Katya: Well how about this scenario though: you're getting a pat-down in TSA, and you diarrhea shit yourself during the pat-down and you have to get on the plane
Trixie: Yeah, but it's not against the TSA laws to shit your pants, I can still get on that plane with a hot load in my pants
Katya: It's not a legal issue (laughs)
Trixie: Remember the days pre-TSA? I would just walk on, I would put my machete and my hockey mask in the overhead.
Katya: Shit myself the whole flight
Trixie: (laughs) I put my gun on safety, walk on the plane like I'm Mr. Delta himself
Katya: (laughs) Mr. Delta. Bob Delta!
Both: (laughs)
Trixie: Yeah
Cut
Trixie: This isn't necessarily travel-related, but you're a sweaty woman
Katya: Yes
Trixie: Sweatiest woman in show business
Katya: (laughs) I feel like I'm always peeing myself a little bit
Trixie: Oh- you- because of the sweat
Katya: Because of the sweat, yeah
Trixie: I have a friend who lost his virginity using Gatorade as lubricant in the parking lot
Katya: I'm done
Trixie: But you know what though, I'm not a- I'm not a sex bird, I'm just a young man navigating the world. Why would you choose- isn't no Gatorade the same as Gatorade?
Katya: It is hydrating, it's moisturizing-
Trixie: It- it helps you come down from the three Red Bulls I just watched you shotgun
Katya: (laughs)
Trixie: You're gonna have a heartburn
Katya: (laughs)
Trixie: You did three Red Bulls and then styled this wig and that's the absolute truth
Katya: (laughs) Oh they look pretty?
Both: (laughs)
Cut
Trixie: Katya wears breast forms that're so heavy and so real, they're so heavy she has to carry them on because they put her suitcase on the (unintelligible)
Katya: Yeah, I have to but them in my carry-on and I sew them into a bra that gets to caked with sweat and makeup that it forms this foul smelling crust. They stink! And I stopped apologizing. I don't care
Trixie: I don't care. If I was a TSA, I'd be like, "Alright"
Cut
Trixie: Something about planes and airports-
Katya: BONER CITY! BONER CITY!
Trixie: (unintelligible) You know I wear a fanny pack at the airport
Katya: To cover that giant boner
Trixie: Giant-
Katya: Huge!
Trixie: 3-inch around, 1-inch long tuna can of skin. It's the altitude changing, and like the plane and the pressure in your body 'cause it happens all the time
Katya: I am hard de-planing
Trixie: Sundown to sunup
Katya: Yeah we de-plane, hard. And then- but all the way through the next connection, hard
Trixie: Really?
WIP at 3:47
