[Doctor, spoken]
Well, Mr. Watson, we have your
Lab results back. And, well...

[Sung]
You’ve got...
Norovirus, hepatitis, tendinitis, syphilis
And salmonella, sickle cell, a rash we don’t know what it is
And toxoplasma, super asthma, better go call Make-A-Wish
You haven’t got much longer and I haven’t finished half my list!

Your brain’s arthritic, blood’s acidic, dick hole trickles pickle juice
Your pancreas is gangrenous, my God please never reproduce!
You’re seizure prone and every bone inside your body’s cancerous
Your joints go backwards, and I lack words to explain how bad this is!

[spoken]
Except for these words!

Your taint’s inflamed, your anus sprained, your every vein is clogged with plaque
Your spine’s a wreck, your throat’s infected from your neck down to your crack!
And all your poop is filled with lupus, all your shit is out of whack!
Your heart’s diseased and full of bees a single breeze could end your measly-

Life and also measles, weevils, fecal beetles, fetal alco-
-holic syndrome, chronic symptoms common to medieval people

Your nose is blown, your back is thrown, your cells have unknown chromosomes
And kidney stones and loads of Crohns and toenail cheese and pubic fleas and leaky knees, and athlete’s feet, and trucker’s butt, one twisted nut, your liver sucks, with any luck you’ll kick the bucket soon enough! Also you’re deaf!