[Verse 1]

I never thought I'd resort to using a computer
To try and find love, 'cause that stuff's just for losers
But there must be other's like me who simply work a lot
And are too busy to meet people, so I guess it's worth a shot

Okay, let's pick a username ― something amusing
That conveys my sense of humor is and guaranteed to woo the babes
Hmm, everything I choose is lame
I'll use my first name and my birthday ― I bet no one else'll do the same!

Now it’s time to find a profile pic
Something tasty that the ladies won't be able to resist
I'll take one from Facebook … actually wait
Unconscious with a nob on my face isn't a great look

Finally I fill my profile out creatively
"How often do you drink?" Uh ― occasionally
"Do you smoke?" Yeah, but not regularly though ...
A few more tweaks, hit save and I'm ready to go!

[Chorus]

When did finding someone become such a hard chore?
I've had enough of bar crawls and dance floors
All I'm after is partner who can make me cry with laughter
And who looks like Mrs. Carter (Is that too much to ask for?)

When did finding someone become such a hard chore?
I've had enough of bar crawls and dance floors
All I'm after is partner who can make me cry with laughter
And who looks like Mrs. Carter (Is that too much to ask for?)

[Verse 2]

Now I'm browsing through profiles to take a peek
And the results are underwhelming to say the least
I know you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover
But if these are their best buyers then how bad are the others?

I click a few that look promising, or at first it seems
But as I read on, I notice some recurring themes
A lot of similar poses and words arise
So as I dig deeper I start reading between the lines

If she says that she's bubbly don't be fooled or misled
'Cause it's code for 'not the sharpest tool in the shed'
And if she says that she's curvy, that generally means
That when she sees vending machines she empties and cleans

And with their photos I also notice a couple things
Camera angles designed to hide their double chins
I know that the camera never tells lies
But I beg to differ if they're ever held high

[Chorus]

When did finding someone become such a hard chore?
I've had enough of bar crawls and dance floors
All I'm after is partner who can make me cry with laughter
And who looks like Mrs. Carter (Is that too much to ask for?)

When did finding someone become such a hard chore?
I've had enough of bar crawls and dance floors
All I'm after is partner who can make me cry with laughter
And who looks like Mrs. Carter (Is that too much to ask for?)

[VERSE 3]

I get a notification
And for a moment I'm filled with hope and elation
This could be the most important message ever I'm about to view
I take a deep breath and open it ― "hey hun how r u?"

I send out a few but get no responses back
I'm about to pack it in when someone new wants to chat
She's into to movies, music and cookery too
Plus she's a looker to boot ― this is too good to be true!

Over the coming weeks we correspond regularly
I can't believe it ― it feels like it was meant to be
Eventually we agree to meet in person
It's the first time in ages I've actually felt nervous

I'd love to tell you that the story ended happily
But that rarely ever happens in reality
Let's just say the pictures she had provided
Made her liable in court for false advertising

[Chorus/OUTRO]


When did finding someone become such a hard chore?
I've had enough of bar crawls and dancefloors
All I'm after is partner who can make me cry with laughter
And who looks like Mrs Carter ― and is just as good a dancer…
Who's equally at home with a glass of cava or lager
Who's smart enough to graduate from Harvard with a masters
Who isn't into drama with breasts like Dolly Parton
And preferably a rich father … is THAT too much to ask for?!

… Well is it? I don’t think so …
I mean, all that stuff’s just, standard right?
Okay, okay, maybe she doesn’t have to be a dancer …
But everything else is essential
I mean, okay, she doesn’t have to have an ACTUAL Master’s Degree from Harvard - but she’s gotta be smart
And, y’know, the rich dad thing … I guess I could take or leave …
But everything else is STRICTLY non-negotiable
Apart from the lager and cava thing … and the Beyoncé thing … obviously
But ANYTHING else is a deal breaker!
I mean, what’s even LEFT after that?
I’m not trying to be a dick, but I’ve just got high standards and I know what I’m looking for, y’know?
Yeah, yeah … funny and boobs, yeah