[HELEN]
He wants the Hepplewhite suite chairs back in the parlor
Move the G.I. Joe, it can’t be on the floor
He wants the Dresden figurines back in the breakfront
A slinky messes up the period decor

Get the Lemon Pledge and dust the—
They should face the same direction
He wants it vacuumed, the surface gleaming
He wants it closer to the door
He wants, he wants, he wants—

He wants the brass candelabra set at an angle
The crayons and the glue should go back in the drawer
He wants the bust of Quixote square on the mantel
Sweep that lint away, it’s what a broom is for

Gently wipe the eucalyptus
Polish up the crystal prisms
When he comes down here, he wants it ready
We’ve got to get it done before

He wants, he wants, he wants—

[BRUCE]
Where’s my bronzing stick?
[HELEN]
It’s in the—

[BRUCE ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​slams door​​​​]

[ALISON]
Welcome to our house on Maple Avenue!
See how we polish and we shine?
We rearrange and realign
Everything is balanced and serene
Like chaos never happens if it’s never seen

[ALISON & HELEN]
Every need, we anticipate and fill
And still…

[SMALL ALISON & HELEN]
He wants the real feather-duster used on the bookcase

[JOHN & HELEN]
Find all the books we read, and carefully restored

[CHRISTIAN & HELEN]
He wants them alphabetized by classification

[HELEN]
A volume out of place could start a third World War
[KIDS & HELEN]
That’s an inch out of position!
Watch it, that’s a first edition!

[HELEN]
What are we missing?
What have we left out?
When he comes down here, what’s in store?

[HELEN & SMALL ALISON]
He wants, he wants, he wants—

[HELEN, JOHN & CHRISTIAN]
Welcome to our house on Maple    [SMALL ALISON & ALISON]
Avenue.                                            Welcome to our house on Maple
See how we polish and we            Avenue
Shine?                                                See how we polish and we
We rearrange and                          shine?
Realign                                              We rearrange and
                                                           realign
Everything is                [BRUCE]
Balanced and           Everything is
Serene                       balanced and              Everything is
Like chaos never           serene                    balanced and
Happens                 Like chaos never                serene
If it's never                    happens               Like chaos never
Seen                             if it's never                    happens
                                          seen                        if it's never
                                                                               seen
[ALL]
We’re a typical family quintet

[HELEN]
And yet…

[BRUCE]
Not too bad, if I say so myself
I might still break a heart or two
Sometimes if the fire burns so hot
I don’t know what I’ll do
Not too bad, if I say so myself

[BRUCE & ALISON]
Not too bad

[BRUCE]
Mrs. Baulkner!
It’s a pleasure to meet you
Come on in!                                                                   [KIDS]
Obviously it's still a work in progress.            Do do do do do
Ah, yes, yes,                                                          Do do do do do
I did all the work myself,                                    Do do do do do
That’s how we were able to afford the place.       do do do

No, no.                                                                     Do do do do do
Historic restoration is an avocation.                Do do do do do
That is very flattering!                                         Do do do do do
I teach English at Beach Creek High,                Do do do do do
And the Bechdel Funeral Home                         Do do do do do
Is our family business,                                         Do do do do do
So I’m also a funeral director.                            Do do do do do
You have a keen eye!                                           Do do do do do

This, I found yesterday                                        What is he after
In the dump!
Isn’t it–uh                              [ALISON]               What are we doing
Actually, I believe                       It                    Right foot is tapping
Rococo Revival          .        all comes       that means he's stewing
Absolutely!                              back!                    Stay very still and
Would you like one                                      maybe we'll please him
With the family?
Kids! Mrs. Baulkner would       It         Make one wrong move, and
Like to take a photo!            all comes           demons will seize him
(Hello! Anybody home?)      back!     Try hard, what else is family
I’ll be there in a minute!                                                for?
Oh, a young man who helps out
With the yard work.                          He wants, he wants, he wants

[ALISON]
He wants more

Caption:
My dad and I both grew up
In the same, small Pennsylvania town
And he was gay, and I was gay
And he killed himself

And I…
Became a lesbian cartoonist