[Verse 1: Student Loan & Kevin Temmer]
Hey, buddy! It's me, your Student Loan
(Spoken) No, no, no, no, no, go away!
I tried calling, but you wouldn't pick up the phone
(Spoken) How did you get my number?! Tee hee hee hee!
I really wanted to see you
Your next payment will be due
I know you love me, don't want to hear you sigh or moan! Ugh!

[Verse 2: Student Loan & Kevin Temmer]
You don't need life savings
When you've got a pal like me
I'll satisfy your cravings for financial anxiety!
'Cause every paycheck that you make
I'll blend into a protein shake
And slurp down every cent you've got
'Cause boy, it hits the spot!
(Spoken) ...I don't like you. How do I get rid of you? Hmm...!

[Verse 3: Student Loan & Kevin Temmer]
You could ask the bank for some forgiveness (Forgiveness)
But the chances of that happening are quite mild (Spoken) Then why would you suggest it?
And if they never forgive you
I'm probably gonna outlive you
And start hanging with your future child! (Spoken) You really sound like a creep now!
[Verse 4: Student Loan & Kevin Temmer]
Don't you know I'll always be your beau?
Gee, I'll go thank the dean!
Hey, you're the one who signed your life away
Yeah, when I was seventeen!
I couldn't comprehend my fate
Much less define an interest rate
I wish it was up for debate, but now it's far too late!

[Verse 5: Kevin Temmer and Both]
Well, I guess I'm stuck with you!
Gotta pay every stupid due
So billionaires can get more rich
And scratch their neverending itch
To throw our bodies in a ditch like a pile of bones!
With their dumb student loans!
Screw student loans!