If you put a gun to my head
And make me pick a celebrity
Please hear me when I sing
I know it's a horrible thing
To wish on anybody

But if I had to pick one
Out of every celebrity
Well, having paused and reflected
I’m sure you'd have selected
The same one as me

I remember what I thought of her this time last year
And I feel that way still
Don't tell me you had any sympathy for her
Before she was ill

With a hand on my heart
It’s a tragic thing to occur
But if somebody's capers
Are removed from the papers
I'm glad it was her

This time next month or next year
I'll still recoil at her name
The basic role she fulfils
And her parenting skills
Will be mostly the same
Mark my words, when she finally goes
There'll be only words of praise
She'll be "simple and brave" instead of stupid and racist
For several days

I know it sounds cruel but I challenge
Any one of you to admit
That when you heard the news, you didn't hold back a smile
Even just a little bit