[Noel Edmonds]
Hello to all you viewers
This is "Deal or No Deal"
This week, our guest is Dorothy
Hello, how does it feel?

[Dorothy]
I'm really pleased to be here
And I'm feeling very keen
And so I’ll start proceedings
With the number seventeen

[Edmonds]
Well, Dorothy, good luck to you
Let’s open up and see
Inside box number seventeen
Hooray! It's 50p

So seventeen, interesting choice
What made you go for that?

[Dorothy]
Well, seventeen's the age of
My late husband's neighbor's cat

[Edmonds]
Your method seems to work quite well
You sure know how to play!
Ill just pick up the phone
See what the banker has to say
[Dorothy]
Well, come on Noel. Spit it out!
What offer did he make?

[Edmonds]
I'll leave you all to wonder
During this commercial break

[Dorothy]
Oh Noel, what a star you are
A channel 4 hero!
There's no one quite as good as you
Who could present this show

[Edmonds]
I'm really pleased you think so
And I really think so too
But can you keep a secret
That I'm going to share with you?

For now the cameras are switched off
To you I shall reveal
The REAL reason why I'm hosting
Deal or No Deal

You see back in the 90s
When I worked for BBC
I had a family prime time show
Called "Noel's House Party"
The ratings were astonishing
But then, one fateful day
The BBC betrayed me
And they took my show away

My god, I was so angry
And so full of bitter rage!
How dare they take my life away
And throw me from the stage?!

And so, upon that very day
I made a solemn vow:
I’d get myself back on TV
Sometime, somewhere, somehow

For six years nothing came along
Until eventually
Some men in suits from channel 4
Got on the phone to me

They said, "We’ve got a job for you
"A new exciting show
"It’s not as good as Countdown
"But why not give it a go?"

When I arrived there
I could simply not believe my eyes
"You mean by picking random numbers
"People win a prize?"
The viewers won't enjoy the show
There isn't any skill
To see my bearded face again
Will make them all feel ill

And this, my friends, is where
My little story takes a twist
I knocked on Paul McKenna's door
The TV hypnotist

I said to him "I've got a show
"That no one wants to see
"But if you teach me, things could really
"Turn around for me

"I beg you: teach me how to be
"A hypnotist like you
"I need those skills to do
"Some evil deeds I want to do"

He did just what I told him
Well, he didn't have a choice
I made him do it with my
Quite persuading whiny voice

So now, although the show was bad
I didn't really care
For since my training, I'd become
Hypnotically aware

They'll think of changing channel
But before they have the chance
I’ll hypnotize the viewers
With my crazy stare and dance

And everyone, the young and old
Will watch me every day
They won't know what they're doing
But they cannot turn away

I’m such a genius, Dorothy
My plan has worked so far
And soon I'll take over the world
A ha ha ha ha ha!

[Dorothy]
Oh Noel, you disgusting fiend
I knew it all along
Why do I watch this stupid show
When other things are on?

You'll never get away with this!
You crazy bearded loon
I’ll tell all the authorities
You'll be arrested soon!

[Edmonds]
I highly doubt that, Dorothy
Back in your trance you go
For now the cameras are back on
Let’s get on with the show

[Dorothy]
I think I'll leave box 21
I'm saving that 'til last

[Edmonds]
Well Dorothy, just take your time

[Paul McKenna]
Hold on Noel! Not so fast!

[Edmonds]
McKenna! So we meet again
What are you doing here?

[McKenna]
Your show has gone on far too long
It ends right now, I fear

[Edmonds]
You think that you can stop me
By whatever means and cause?
Well my hypnotic powers are now
Just as good as yours!

[McKenna]
Look Noel! Right behind you there!
What is that crazy thing?

[Edmonds]
I'd better take a look
In case it's something interesting
Hey! Wait a minute! I've been tricked
There’s nothing there at all

[McKenna]
No Noel, honestly, there is
It’s out there in the hall

[Edmonds]
I'm out the door, I'm in the hall
What is this all about?

[McKenna]
Quick, Dorothy! Slam shut the door
So Noel can't get back out!

It looks like Noel Edmonds
Isn’t such a clever man
I tricked him all the way
With my extremely simple plan

[Dorothy]
You saved the day! You saved the day!
How can we thank you, Paul?

[McKenna]
You do not need to thank me
It was no effort at all!

[Narrator]
And so the world was safe again
With Edmonds locked away
But folks, be on your guard
He might come back again some day