[INTRO]

OCEAN:
Daddy said;

DAD:
“Oh daughter, dear, you fill my heart with pride
Your words, so pure, you’re almost round, the truth is on your side!”

OCEAN:
But daddy dear, they cleaned our clock
A zillion points to none
May I use the phone?

DAD:
Aw pumpkin, you need to speak to one of your friends?

OCEAN:
No, I’m calling mom!

So I called mom and I told her the whole story

MOM:
“You did what?”

OCEAN:
I spoke from my heart about the facts
MOM:
“Incentive: if you do well at this debate, you can come live with me.. me.. me.. me..”

DAD:
“Plot point!”

MOM:
Get the pen!

OCEAN:
She told me something that goes a little something like...
Goes a little something like this;

OCEAN:
The art to win in arguments ain’t changed much over time
You read and rule your public first and then you change their mind
If the judge looks like a hippie, your foe’s a right-wing nut
If the judge seems like a holy hostile Pentecostal
Then your foe’s a godless hedonistic slut (porno!)

Demonize your opponents with personal attacks
Quote some fake authorities and unrelated facts
Create a false dilemma like, “You’re with us or you ain’t”
Ask them lots of loaded questions
“How can you say that Adolf Hitler was a saint?”
OCEAN:
Oh, the tale of human history is one of damn’ed battery (Ooh)

CHOIR:
It works on the mob every time!

OCEAN:
This candy-coated recipe of black and white morality (Ooh)

CHOIR:
That’s how we like our swine, mhm!

OCEAN:
The next day at the school debate, my mom’s advice applied
We were like marine corps, stealing cookies from girl guides
The judge gave us a "standing O"

CONSTANCE:
One kid broke down and cried!

JUDGE:
And the winner of the Uranium City debate: Miss Rosenburg- and that other kid

OCEAN:
Yeah, we won by a frickin’ landslide
Look, I even got a trophy!
CONSTANCE:
We got a trophy?

OCEAN:
Yeah, don’t touch it, you’ll break it

OCEAN:
In this world, there’s just one sin (Ooh)

CHOIR:
Don’t play the game unless you play to win (You play to win)

OCEAN:
Why does my opposition feel the need to defend a pedophile? (You play to win)

JUDGE:
And the winner of the municipal debate, Miss Rosenburg! (You play to win)

OCEAN:
(Mocking) "I'm very upset, my brother just died"

CONSTANCE:
But you don’t have a brother?

JUDGE:
Shut up! (You play to win)
And the crowd again goes wild for Miss Rosenberg-er!

OCEAN:
Don’t tell me there’s a better use of your ambition (Aah)
Than to wipe the floor with your own competition (Aah)
Mommy dearest said there’s only one real mission (Aah)

CHOIR:
Play to win
Play to win
Play to win!

OCEAN:
Dad was there, and so was mom, for the national debate
But where were my opponents?
They were half an hour late!
And then this kid rolls in with a wheelchair and begs us to forgive

CONSTANCE:
He needed an emergency blood transfusion
Turns out he only had three weeks left to live...

JUDGE:
Debate topic: are human beings ultimately good? (You play to win)

DAD:
(???)

OCEAN:
Are you kidding me? He’s in a wheelchair (You play to win)

CONSTANCE:
How are you gonna beat this one?

OCEAN:
Shut up, Constance

CONSTANCE:
Sorry! (You play to win)

MOM:
What would Glenn Beck do? (You play to win)

OCEAN:
Aww, he’s blind too?!

ANNOUNCER:
And the opposition calls Miss Rosenburg!

OCEAN:
My heart began to flutter
Tears welled in my eyes
When I looked unto my father
As he hung his head and sighed

And then I saw an angel
In blinding light and sparks
With a hammer and a sickle
It was a wing-ed Karl Marx

And he said: Child, Heaven's (???)
And everything is free
I’ve been pal-ing ‘round with Jesus
Turns out he’s a Communist, just like me

And we got somethin’ to tell you (Tell us, comrade!)
And we got somethin’ to sing to you (Sing it, comrade!)
You wanna hear it? (Yeah!)
Can you feel the spirit? (Yeah!)
Can I hear it two times? (Yeah yeah!)

Eh!

When you wrestle with poop (Win or lose)
Oh, listen to me child (sing these blues)
It's gonna get on your shoe (Win or lose)
You’re gonna be defiled (Gonna be defiled)
When the game is over, you’re knockin’ on heaven’s door
It’s only your soul, your soul alone that’s keepin’ score

You wanna kick out the crutches from a cripple? (Oh no!)
Or push an old lady down the stairs? (Sweet lord!)
Steal a piece of candy from a cryin’ little baby?
As long as you’re winnin', who cares! (Who cares!)

Take out a kid in a wheelchair
That’s the road to perdition!
Soon you’re gonna wind up a back-stabbing, ass-grabbing
Rubberneck politician!...

...

When you wrestle with poop (Win or lose)
Oh, listen to me child (Sing these blues)
It's gonna get on your shoe (Win or lose)
You’re gonna be defiled (Gonna be defiled)
When the game is over, you’re knockin’ on heaven’s door
It’s only your soul, your soul alone that’s keepin’ score

(Riffing, ad-libbing) I said, it's only your soul, your soul alone that's keepin' score! (Sing it, sister!)

Oh yeah!!

When you wrestle with poop (Win or lose)
Oh, listen to me child (Sing these blues)
It's gonna get on your shoe (Win or lose)
You’re gonna be defiled (Gonna be defiled)
When the game is over, you’re knockin’ on heaven’s door (Aah!)
It’s only your soul, your soul alone that’s keepin’ score

When you wrestle with poop (Win or lose)
Oh, listen to me child (Sing these blues)
It's gonna get on your shoe (Win or lose)
You’re gonna be defiled (Gonna be defiled)
When the game is over, you’re knockin’ on heaven’s door (Aah!)
It’s only your soul, your soul alone that’s keepin’ score

Who’s keeping score! (Who’s keeping score) x5

It’s only your soul
Your soul alone, that’s keepin’ score!!!!!