ANNOUNCER: Time for Action-6 News with Leslie Crotchmonger
and Dick Hopshteckler. Here's Leslie with today's top stories.

L: Good evening. First the headlines:

* A giant man shits on Philadelphia.
* An old man shows his soiled anus to a waitress at an Olive Garden.
* A small dog eats a man's balls and dies.
* A crippled couple is arrested for fucking on a rollercoaster.

Now the stories behind the headlines: In Philadelphia today, a giant man dropped his huge pants and squatted over Indepеndence Hall. He thеn unleashed a ...

(Dick reaches over and grabs Leslie's script.)

D: Fuck you, you cunt! You did the headlines!

L: Lick my asshole, you dimwitted prick! My name comes first on the opening announcement.

D: That's because you blew the news director!

L: At least I didn't blow a homeless guy who has the siff!

D: Oh yeah?! Well, he wouldn't have the siff if you didn’t fuck him out back in the Dumpster!

L: Eat my box!
D: Not without a gas mask, Dearie!

L: Keep fuckin' with me, Little Dick, and I'll tell your wife about the Cub Scouts you went down on!

D: Leslie, the way were acting is crazy. Let's put all this petty,
personal stuff behind us and act like professionals. What do you say?

L: Good idea. I agree.

D: So, what's coming up at six o'clock?

L: How the fuck should I know?! What do you think I am, a fuckin' psychic?!

D: No way! If you were psychic, you would've known you were gonna wind up with labia that hang down like satchel handles!

L: Thanks, Dick, that's real clever. By the way, doesn't that get to you? Being called Dick?!

D: Being called Dick is a lot better than being called Dick Licker!

L: Eat shit, raisin balls! I hope you swallow a turd! Well, folks, that’s it for Action-6 News. Don't miss News at Eleven tonight as Rod Holder interviews a nun who's been receiving obscene phone calls from a man who says he wants to chew her bush during a funeral mass.

ANNOUNCER: Action-6 News has been brought to you by First Bank, meeting community needs since 1849. First Bank: Experience Out the Ass.