[Intro]
Edgy: becoming tense, nervous, or irritable

[Verse 1]
How am I maintaining my relationship status?
Grave robbing
How did I lose my virginity?
Faffing about
What's a girl's best friend?
Emotions
What's the next Happy Meal toy?
A micro-pig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties
In a thousand years, when paper money is a distant memory, how will we pay for goods and services?
The profoundly handicapped
What gets better with age?
Necrophilia
What kept Margaret Thatcher busy in her warning years?
Natural male enchantment
Why am I sticky?
Mouth herpes
War, what is it good for?
Menstrual rage
What's my secret power?
Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up

[Breakdown]
Ukulele solo

[Verse 2]
What am I giving up for lent?
Masturbation
What are school administrators using to curb rampant teenage pregnancy?
Being fat and stupid
What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard?
A brain tumour
What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?
The female orgasm
What helps Obama unwind?
David Bowie flying in on a tiger made of lightning
What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?
The unstoppable tide of Islam
What never fails to liven up the party?
Child abuse
What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner?
Poor people
What's that smell?
The token minority
What don't you want to find in your kung pao chicken?
My genitals
Why can't I sleep at night?
Crystal meth
What's the new fad diet?
A super soaker full of cat pee
What will always get you laid?
Consensual sex

[Outro]
As a wise man once said: "there's nothing like a good nut"