He's been roundin' off bolts since the age of fourteen
Was that a five-eighths or a nine-sixteenths?
He's got a metric socket that don't quite fit
Well it'll wiggle just a little but it ain't quite stripped
The safety guard's gone from his grinding machine
He got a stiff paintbrush he only kinda got clean
He's the hired man, my neighbor and a cousin in law
He's a jerry riggin' fool, he got the tool for the job

Well it's a vise grips for pliers, and pliers for a wrench
A wrench for a hammer, hammers everything else
It just don't seem to make much difference
I sure do like him but he's hard on equipment

His corners ain't square and his floor ain't level
And he's always had trouble with the old tape measure
His doors don't close ‘cause the jamb ain't plumb
And he's a Goddamn menace with an air nail gun
They love to see him comin' at the lumberyard store
Fixed the leak in his roof with a two by four
Drills holes in his boards with the wrong kinda bit
And when they don't line up he blames the government

Well it's a vise grips for pliers, and pliers for a wrench
A wrench for a hammer, hammers everything else
It just don't seem to make much difference
I sure do like him but he's hard on equipment
He got the whole front yard full of fix ‘em up cars
Well three don't run and the rest won't start
Well everything's fine with his rebuilt motor
'cept of course for the couple spare washers left over
Baler twine tie downs goin' down the road
On two bald tires and an oversized load
He ain't never read a manual ‘cause that's like cheatin'
He don't mind the grease on his hands while he's eatin'

Well it's vise grips for pliers, and pliers for a wrench
A wrench for a hammer, hammers everything else
It just don't seem to make no difference
I sure do like him but he's hard on equipment

No, it just don't seem to make much difference
I sure like you son, but you're hard on equipment

He's got busted up knuckles, his thumb got bruised
Jesus Christ was a carpenter, too