[Intro]
RAP BATTLE!
LOKI
VS
COUNT OLAF
BEGIN

[Verse 1: Loki]
Oh then, you're surely joking
You must be the reason Odin still hasn't awoken
Your whole broken series of prose
Must've bored him to tears from the open
Put the Baudelaire's chosen heirs in woes for their fortune
Yet Poe tends to be more potent
Look away, or the bitter, grumpier Mr. Tumnus
Will pluck your eye out with his goat chin (Ha!)
Long ago, you lusted over the stage
Your dreams werе crushed because you skippеd leg day
Watch the God of tricks Ragna-rock a diss
Like Violet's signature, you're left, not dominant
Are you close friends with Heimdall?
'Cuz that nose bridges the nine realms!
So many flaws like a hotel
If only your folks had raised you better than you raise that eyebrow (Eyebrow!)
As a villain, you're trivial. It is so outrageous
I influenced millions to bow down and make way
You're insignificant, ridiculed by children without safety
Tried pilfering riches but ended up Klaus chasing!
Marvel's undebated, talking film adaptations
You placed in a railroad scene, it was so much of a trainwreck!
I’m shapeshifting, you're out of shape, shifty!
When this snake's bit ya like your dad, you'll have holes in your pale neck!
I doubt this sleazy creep could even read
Of the evil deeds I’ve been completing
This mortal being ought to steal some mischief from me, please!
Even if you look me up, you'll still be beneath me!
[Verse 2: Count Olaf and Loki]
What was that sloppy verse?
I wanted roast beef, dammit!
So call me the Hulk
This rap is low-key slappin'! (Slappin'!)
Out of both of Odin's sons, you're the only one
Looking like an Avatar carcass! (James!)
When fighting fire with an arsonist
You better keep your ass guarded! (Flames!)
Oh man, your whole plan
Got out of hand, that's so sad!
I’m Olaf, but this dope dropped off the bridge
Like "Bye, Frosty the Snowman!"
Your bro's the GOAT of gods, you're the god of goats
If you swallowed your pride, you would probably choke
I don't got that hocus pocus or that mind control
But still keep my staff under my control
You're so horny, but I get it, dude
Your whole family tree's a fucking petting zoo
Heard your pregnancy was violent, not surprised your poor privates are blue
Remind me not to go horse riding with you!
Of course, I’m more striking than Thor's lightning
My author could better Handler task of writing adored ideas
Than the broad psyche of norse vikings who thought:
"Right! What if a court jester had horns that were all spiky?"
Is it just me, or is it melting in here?
Somebody toss me water
After all, I’m sure parched-
From thirsting over my foster daughter What? No!
[Verse 3: Loki]
You met Kit Snicket and she thought you were a fun guy
Being with you killed her harder than the fungi
Then you had a girlfriend, but she wasn't down for the Count
Once she was in, you had to opt out!
I see through your acts and the threats you excrete;
A count more fabricated than Sesame Street's!
Take this scepter beneath your chest, ending your spiel!
I’m not talking Patrick Harris when I get you to kneel!

[Interlude: Lemony Snicket]
Now Count Olaf had just been burned
A word here which means personally hurt
By the deep meanings in Loki's “quick quips”
However, when you are as blindsided as Olaf, you might not know when to-

[Verse 4: Count Olaf, Captain Sham, Stefano, and "Loki"]
Quit the talk! Compared to my seas, yer threat's pale!
Yer directors never let yer story arc set sail!
I study snake biology, not mental health
But with that family drama, you should get help
After Thor's image fleeted, I needed a kiwi
To save my series of unfortunate screenings
And I thought I could be loved by my father and Thor, but no!
For you, that's not how the story goes!
Funny how balance is your boss' schtick
Yet he left your neck in bits before you got a split
Your birth family left you to melt like a frost kid
Gave you the cold shoulder, Odin had to let ya hop kins!
Asgard died and your lives were disrupted
No VFD could save its Very Fiery Destruction
Go drown your shame in your bar with no doors 'cuz
I’ve taken advantage of another spoiled orphan!
[Outro]
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
THE NEXT RAP BATTLE IS ON THE WAY!