[MRS. TEAVEE]
Hello, hello, hello! Welcome. My name's Doris Teavee.​
Ah, cups on doilies please. This is my husband, Norman.​

[MR. TEAVEE]
What?

[MRS. TEAVEE]
We have a prepared statement.​
(sung)
Oh, welcome to you, gentlemen
And ladies of the press
How wonderful to share this day with you
You've traveled far and wide
Don't be shy, please, come inside
I've plates of petit-fours and cheese fondue

The reason that you've gathered
Is to meet my little boy
The hero of the good old USA
So now if you're all strapped in
Let the press conference begin
Little angel, do you have something to say?

[MIKE TEAVEE]
Bang! Bang!
Futuristic rodeo!
See Captain Knuckleduster
Hang 'em on high
Take your hard drives, boot 'em up
For a cyber shoot 'em up
This is the life, NOW DIE!
[MRS. TEAVEE]
Oh, Mike is just high spirited
That's what the doctor said
He's just a mini version of my spouse

[MR. TEAVEE]
What?

[MRS. TEAVEE]
And they said it was a phase
When he set the cat ablaze
But the authorities request
That little Mike not leave the house

And so we let him sit
At the computer day and night
He's promised me that he
Won't ever budge
'Cause things went from bad to worse
When he chloroformed that nurse
Darling, tell the people
What you told the judge

[MIKE TEAVEE]
Hack! Hack!
Attack the Wonka mainframe
I'm Captain Knuckleduster
I'm a super spy
Cracked his password "goldenstar"
Never had to buy a bar
This is the life, NOW DIE!
[MRS. TEAVEE]
It was just a childhood prank
When he stole that German tank
But we never wish that we had had a daughter
Medication sets us free
One for Mike and two for me
And at six I pour a shot of "mommy water"

Well, it has been a pleasure
Having you inside our home
To see he's just a little boy at play
And though I break out in the sweats
When we hide his cigarettes
We've got him down to just two packs a day

And now we'll go to Wonka's
Where he'll make some brand new friends
I pray to God he fits in with the gang
But if there is no TV
It'll be like World War Three
But for now, I'll let him go out with a…

[MIKE TEAVEE]
Bang! Bang!
Been playing now for fifty hours
Watch Captain Knuckleduster
Make the losers cry
[MRS. TEAVEE]
You can bet for sure this kid'll win

[MIKE TEAVEE]
Mommy, where's my Ritalin?
This is the life, NOW DIE!

[MRS. TEAVEE, spoken]
Thanks for coming!