There's things our parents said to us growing up they probably think we forgot
but as kids we soak in those words you said when you were cross
You see I forgive I don't forget, I live I don't regret
And they might call me soft for writing this you see, but I just got one question and maybe then I'll be free
Daddy are you proud of me?
Juice in my cup, holdin' back tears in my eyes
I heard you and Mom arguin' again non stop through the night
I know it was about money, we've never really had a dime
And I'm too young to work, so I'm considering crime
I figured if I could provide for me than you won't have to
I used to take your money when it was laying on the dresser, maybe this is my fault too
I don't know. Maybe I can buy myself my own school uniform, even give back to you
And If I'm honest then I don't want to live that life, but I dunno.
Maybe if you and mom had money then you'd stick around this time.
Maybe you'd be here on my birthday, maybe mom wont cry.
So I'm looking in the mirror like this ain't drug money, this is dad couldn't do it.
I still have to feed my mom money, so I feed me now
so you and mom can breathe.
Daddy are you proud of me?
See sending money and spending time are not the same thing.
because mom played dad while you were looking after other woman's kids and you can skip the once a year calls on my birthday, I'd rather know if you were meant to have me in the first place.
see moms always out working to provide and sometimes she goes of the top with how she disciplines, but then I sit and think she has to play the man and woman without the help of a guy.
see sometimes I wish I you were here.
But it's better that you're not if I'm real with it.
Because you claim you love me, but I saw you constantly make my mom upset, then one day disappear and you left me to deal with it.
and you want to know why I'm an idiot?
because I'm with someone now and they're just like you.
Shouting abuse and with that same tongue ask me whats wrong an hour later, just like you. Doesn't understand the respect and fear are not the same thing. Just like you. And when my friends are telling me I need to up and leave and I bring it to convo, I start to sit and think, I don't think letting go is being free.
Because this must be love. I mean I learnt it from you.
And as stupid as it sounds. I still want you to be proud you had me.
So I got one question and maybe then I'll be free.
Daddy are you proud of me?
I never knew you growing up, Mom never really mentioned you.
And it's not that I hate you but, If I had to choose the father of the year between you and mom, then I'd choose everyone but you.
You told me, be everything I can be, when I finally re-met you.
I use to sit and think " I wanna be a father, but not like you. Grow up to be a man but not like you."
You know how many men would of killed to have a wife like yours but not a dad like you?
So now I'm the man of the house,
and if anyone says I resemble my father in the slightest,
I tell them that I'm everything that's not you.
I'm nothing like you.
So I don't have one more question, I'm already free. I couldn't give a damn if you were proud of me.
Whiskey in my cup, holding back tears in my eyes.
I watched you and learnt how to keep all the emotions inside.
you know, smile around guests but have no emotions when you're with your family. Some call it pride.
People that meet me usually ask how I keep happy all the time.
I'm the one who makes all my friends smile,
I'm the one they come to for advice.
I never tell you what's wrong I just respond with "I'm cool"
Not because you're a bad guy dad, I just don't want to disappoint you.
Cause when you say "You can tell me anything" I know in my head I can't.
Cause I've seen how you respond to smaller things, and I don't wanna take the chance.
See I got a hundred questions that I wish I could ask, but I just keep myself to myself as the memories pass, headphones in, shut out from the world.
I wish I could of hired you when I was a kid. So I could of spent more time with you, and did the things that fathers and sons did.
I always looked up to you, but you were always out of reach, I saw you as a hero, but you know, some heroes are unseen.
You taught me to behide and you taught me to believe.
I'm the man now dad people listen when I speak.
But that's not enough though is it?
Because I see you everyday and I still don't know you.
See I studied hard and eventually worked.
Even helped out a little bit in your church.
Respect and fear are not the same thing.
Well at least I learnt that for free.
So I just got one more question.
Daddy are you proud of me?
Whiskey in my cup, holding back tears in my eyes
Everybody's complaining 'bout their dad, I just wish mine was alive.
I never had a lot of memories, but I cherish what I remember.
Your sister always tells me stories about you.
I know that she won't forget ya.
see all these relatives say I look just like you
and sometimes I need guidance so I ask myself what you would do.
And if I'm honest I didn't get to know you how I should've known you then that's whats really getting to me.
But I've done a lot since, dad, and mom says that you'd be proud.
but we still in the same flat, one day we'll be out.
And I'm not little no more, if only you could see.
Sitting by ya grave, no one else but you and me.
And I wanna ask you one question and maybe the I'll be free.
Daddy are you proud of me?