The music industry is lying to you
It is telling you that you are excited
And you are excited
And you are excited

Or rather you have confused excitement with the fear of missing out
Which is understandable as these two feelings are very closely related
Focusing as they do, on the heart and the groin
And ending in a bloody mess, pregnancy tests and too little sleep
Our survey says that shouting inanities in a regional accent is valuable to culture
Look at Eastenders, Soccer AM or the Queen's Speech

Our survey says paedophiles run the BBC
But look at the alternatives
Drowning men clutching at straws through their bell-end helmets
Sad women dreaming of being owned by them
Their children eventual despoilers of the high streets clad head-to-toe in menstrual blood
Screaming sexual insults into bedroom mirrors with the sad belief it will empower them
And it will empower them
And it will empower them
At least that’s what it says on my cereal packet
That’s what it says on my receipt from the Apple Store
Good lord

I cannot identify the bloodied bodies of my loved ones
They were killed whilst watching a new television show on the MTV network
One where Kim Kardashian is chased through woodland by a giant bear wearing a mask which carries the visage of recently deceased film director Michael Winner
The bear has apparently not qualified for a workplace pension and is angry with Daniel Day Lewis for what he perceives to be the relative lack of action in There Will Be Blood
Which he otherwise enjoyed but found a little precious for his tastes
Anyway, after 20 minutes of panicked running around intercut with interviews with friends and other celebrities
The production team behind the show all simultaneously come to the same horrifying conclusion
They've wasted the precious gift of life which has been given to them by science
They start attacking themselves with the nearest available objects
Breaking off camera tripods to ram them bloodily into each other’s eyes
Climbing up the highest branches of trees to fall face down on to the pulsing earth
The whole time shrieking and screaming with the sudden primal vigour of lost souls who have forgotten language and seem intent on shouting their black hearts from their grey, semi-erect chests
Quite

They face the pigs
They face the pigs they were
They face the pigs
They face the pigs they were

Anyway, my family members, otherwise enjoying a restful Sunday afternoon spent basking in the Christian lie of a benevolent and loving God
Witness this horror through the prism of their television set
Concentrated hard on the psychic bloodied anguish which has utterly enveloped the unlikely woodland scene and is transmitted directly into the heart of our living room

And they burst from the screen and into their eyes and their hearts and their minds and their tits and their bits
And they burst from the screen and into their eyes and their hearts and their minds and their tits and their bits
And they burst from the screen and into their eyes and their hearts and their minds and their tits and their bits
And they burst from the screen and into their eyes and their hearts and their minds and their tits and their bits
And they burst from the screen and into their eyes and their hearts and their minds and their tits and their bits
And they burst from the screen and into their eyes and their hearts and their minds and their tits and their bits

Thoughts echo off their foreheads