[Neil Patrick Harris] Welcome to the 87th Oscars
Tonight we honor Hollywood's best and whitest... sorry, brightest

Wow, check out this place. Check out everything

Check out the glamour, the glitter
People Tweeting on the Twitter
And no one's drunk and bitter yet 'cuz no one has lost
Look at the diamonds, the dresses
People going to excesses
The stress is on and everybody's fingers are crossed
I know the camera's on and we're behaving our best
Yet, I secretly hope someone pulls a Kanye West
But we are here tonight, with our Xanax and Dior
Thank you lists and publicists who fought the Oscar war
Tonight we toast what we love most
And I am thrilled to be your host
'Cuz all of it is for... moving pictures
Shadows and lights
Like a magic trick done in plain sight
Why do we love them? Why do we care?
When they're just moving pictures that aren't really there

But then I think of Chaplin and Monroe
And Argo and Fargo
Or when Marty made his car go back in time at the mall
And then there's Bardot and Brando
And Billy Dee as Lando
Or when Sharon went commando and unsettled us all
I gasped when Indy goes back for his hat
Or when I think of all the tension between Ben and Matt
Oh, my stars...

How about Transformers that transform
And perfect storms that storm
And small town girls who change the world by challenging the norm
Godfather 2, the movie Clue
And all these films that inspired you to stand up and perform

Moving pictures
Take us over the rainbow, across the fields of our dreams
In the heat of the night to defeat and to fight evil schemes
To swim or to swing
To dance or just sing
To flee down a flight in fright
Yes, moving pictures are coming to life tonight

[Anna Kendrick] Moving pictures

[Anna Kendrick] Where is my shoe?
[Neil Patrick Harris] Is this your Jimmy Choo?
[Anna Kendrick] Why? Yes!

[Les deux] Moving pictures
[Neil Patrick Harris] and how they can move you
[Anna Kendrick] And also improve you
[Neil Patrick Harris] The joy of pretending
[Anna Kendrick] and such happy endings except for in Girl Gone when that lady slit your throat
[Neil Patrick Harris] Spoiler alert
[Les deux] Moving pictures...
[Jack Black] Stop. This is what you sound like:
'Movies, movies wow they rock'
Well once they did, but listen kid, it's all a big crock
Now it's market trends
And fickle friends
And Hollywood baloney
Believe me Neil, you're better off just polishing your Tony
This industry's influx;
It's run by mucky-mucks
Pitching tents for tentpoles and chasing Chinese bucks
Opening with lots of zeroes
All we get is superheroes
Superman, Spider Man, Batman
Jedi man, sequel man, prequel man
Formulaic scripts
And after 50 shades of Grey, they'll all have leather whips

In a world where our breeds are becoming machines
The only screens we're watching are the screens in our jeans
Screens in our jeans
Screens in our jeans
The only screens we're watching are the scr...

[Neil Patrick Harris] JACK! I'm trying to... I'm kinda in the...Would you mind?
[Jack Black] But you know...
[Neil Patrick Harris] I know but...
[Anna Kendrick] Beat it !
[Jack Black] Fine
[Neil Patrick Harris] Yes, greenlit films can stall
[Anna Kendrick] Scripts can hit a wall
[Neil Patrick Harris] Stars may pass
[Anna Kendrick] Or fire your ass
[Neil Patrick Harris] And weekly grosses fall
But when they hit, you must admit
They sometimes change your view a bit in ways both big and small

Moving pictures, millions of pixels on screens
They may not be real life, but they'll show you what life really means
More than any one image
More than any one star truly
Moving pictures shape who we are

Whether we're big brained and British
Or hiking and skittish
A legendary leader
A Birdman in theater
A boy we watch until he's grown
A sniper in a combat zone
A wealthy philanthropic creep
Magic Meryl f-ing Streep
Lobby boys and bleeding drummers
All these awesome up and comers
Who will get a statue?
Results are coming at you
At the 87th Oscars moving picture show