[Verse 1]
A long, long yellow fruit...
I can still remember
How the pie it used to make me smile
And I knew if I had a knife
That I could cut myself a slice
And, maybe, I’d be happy for a while
But quarantine it made me shiver
‘Cause House of Pies it don’t deliver
No pie on the doorstep;
What if there’s no more left?
I can’t remember if I cried
When I heard we had to stay inside
But I got sad when I realized
I don’t know how to bake

[Chorus]
So bye-bye to banana cream pie
Drove my Honda to a Ralph’s, but the Ralph’s had no pie
And them good old boys said we sell other dessert
But every other dessert is a lie
So this'll be the day that I die

[Verse 2]
Did you see that pie of love
And do you have faith in bananas above
If Ina tells you so?
Do you believe in blind baking
Is that the recipe from the Times you’re makin'
And can you teach me how to sift real slow?
Well, I know that you're in pain again
'Cause I saw you slip in the kitchen
It looked like you had wheels
Man, you need to pick up those peels
I was a hungry teenage broncin' buck
With a fork and plate, I just wanted a hunk
But man, you didn’t give a fuck
The day you ate my pie
I started singing
[Chorus]
Bye, bye my banana cream pie
Dove my fork into the plate, but the plate was dry
I’ll just go drink that Ole Boys whiskey & rye
Singing, "This'll be the day that I cry
"This'll be the day that I need more pie."

[Verse 3]
Now for thirty years we've been on our own
While you starred in nine films about Jesse Stone
Plus one yet to be released
I guess Jesse comes from the LAPD
And ends up a small town police chief
And was conceived by Parker, Robert B
Oh and while Jesse Stone was getting big
You guested as a guy named Ivan Tiggs
In a courtroom show in Boston
With a cast you could get lost in
Meanwhile Higgins wrote Robin Masters’ books
At least that’s how Thomas thinks it looks
But he’s all done with chasing crooks
The day that Magnum died
We were singing

[Chorus]
Bye, bye Mister Magnum PI
Scared the dickens out of Higgins but the Ferrari was fine
Rick and TC are drinking beers and – oh, by
The way this program takes place in Hawaii
This program takes place in Hawaii
[Verse 4]
Abel’s unstable, dumping shakes off the table
Sammy Hagar is horny but unable
Josh Gad reunites casts who are bored
Kevin Spacey talks to some Germans
To what end they cannot determine
Whatever it might have been they abhorred
Ayo Edebiri helped them rescue a schlub
As they welcomed Eric to the club
Garrison Keiller cancelled a cruise
He gave them Minnesotans the blues!
This YouTube guy had a real big snit
Cuz Pattinson refused to get fit
Do you think that was the end of it
The day when Double Threat drops?
We started singing

[Chorus]
Bye, bye all you loser pod guys
Tom and Julie roast you cruelly
Till you shut up and die
And good ol’ Brett is playing clips they decry
Saying, “What the fuck is this shit and why?
“What the fuck is this shit and why?”

[Verse 5]
Oh, my brother came by yesterday
To give confession (I’m still a priest)
I told him he could tell me through the door
He said he jerked off at the airport
And he steals money from our parents regularly
And oh yeah he also steals pie
My eyes went wide in the shape of pies
With little tiny bananas in side
No brother of mine
Could keep that pie from me!
I forgave him for that other shit
Do a Hail Mary and get over it
Now get me a pie or you’re dead to me
He said, "I need a week."
He was singing
[Chorus]
Bye, bye the movie American Pie
Caught stroking heavy by Gene Levy
But he was a cool guy
And good old Oz is getting frisky in choir
Singing, "Chris will be the way that I Klein
"Chris will be the way that I Klein."

[Verse 6]
I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd heard the music years before
But the man there said the music wouldn't play
And in the street they heard my scream
Outside, at a DC claw machine
“Where, oh, where’s the Batman?
“We’re stuck with this lousy Pat Man!”
And the two bods I admire most:
Tim Allen (Buzz) and Graham Yost
I met him once, on the set of Speed
The day Robert Pattinson Tried
And I was singing

[Chorus]
My my, Robert Pattinson Guy
Do some sit-ups or just get up
Do some reps ‘fore I cry
Our few heroes deserve the best you can try
So by God, just look us straight in the eye
And tell us you’ll lay off the Five Guys
But he was singing
"Let’s buy some Banana Cream Pie
"Double spoonin, I’m balloonin, I’m so full I could die
"My doctor warned me, looked me right in the eye
"Saying, 'Jesus, your cholesterol’s high!'"