[Verse 1: Elsie]
I admit that, in the past, I've been a nasty
They weren't kidding when they called me kinda strange
But you'll find that nowadays
I've mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light, and made a change

[Verse 2: Blood Draugr]
Yes
And I, fortunately, know a little magic
It's a talent that I always have possessed
And here lately, please don't laugh
I use it on behalf of the miserable, lonely, and depressed
Pathetic

[Chorus: Elsie & Blood Draugr]
Poor unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the girl
And do I help them? Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
They come flocking to me crying
"Will you help us, pretty please?"
And I help them! Yes, I do
[Verse 3: Elsie]
The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred
For ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?

[Verse 4: Blood Draugr]
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who's withdrawn
It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man

[Chorus: Elsie, Blood Draugr & Both]
Come on, you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead, make your choice!
I'm a very busy woman
And I haven't got all day
It won't cost much
Just your voice!
You poor unfortunate soul
It's sad, but true
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet
You've got to pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
Go ahead and sign the scroll!
Look out, girls, here I stutter noe
The boss is on a roll
This poor unfortunate soul
[Outro: Elsie & Blood Draugr]
Beluga, sevruga
Come winds of the Caspian Sea
Larengix glaucitis
Et max laryngitis
La voce to me
Now, sing
Keep singing

[Chorus: Elsie & Blood Draugr]
Poor unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the girl
And do I help them? Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
They come flocking to me crying
"Will you help us, pretty please?"
And I help them! Yes, I do
Those poor unfortunate souls