[Intro: J. Jonah Jameson]
Are we live? Good
Did you plug the book? No?
You're fired, get out!
Now, let’s educate some people

[Verse 1: J. Jonah Jameson]
Welcome back, thanks for joining me today
Here on "Just the Facts" with your friend, J. Jonah J
This city's at a tipping point, it could go either way
But I'm not one to disappoint, I’ve got a lot to say
About a hero, a man who loves this city like a son
Shooting through the air and looking out for everyone
Bringing hope, and light, and justice to a city that had none
And his name's J. Jonah Jameson, you're welcome, let's move on
To a menace! A monster! A blight upon our streets!
Of course, I am referring to that spider-donning freak
Don't let him fool you, no, it's not quiet, it's not peaceful
It's a disaster on the brink, so wake up and listen, people!
There’s an evil hiding out there
Anyone could be that web-slinger
Trust me, I once hired a guy the height
And he was a dead ringer
Yes, Spider-Man again! He needs arrest with no parole
This guy’s shenanigans require a little pest control
[Chorus: J. Jonah Jameson]
That's all, so tune in again
We got the news and the views on which you can depend
And if you see him, you can log in and send in all your pictures
Pictures of Spider-Man
Our city has a way of life to defend
So we’re here to tell your neighborhood he isn't your friend
If you see a hero, you should really amend your picture
Picture of Spider-Man

[Verse 2, J. Jonah Jameson]
I hate to say it, but we can't ignore the failures
Our city's top committees won’t investigate his alias
Sure, Fisk is out the picture, but a hundred mile radius
Of thugs, and goons, and hooligans will make the public pay for it
Who are we to say that our city should be trusted
To the flavour of the day dispensing Daredevil justice?
The next crazy, caped crusader out to punish folks for fun?
It's unthinkable when we've already got a force we've funded!
The fact is, folks, your taxes don't do jack for stopping crimes
Now they're spent to fix the messes that these loonies leave behind
Full confession, yes, the Scorpion, well, he is one of mine
But was all in good intention that he went and undermined
We need an Iron Fist, some discipline to set things right
A weak slap on the wrist won't keep you safe on misty nights
I'm sure every cop for miles, morale is out of sight
As our force is forced to watch while spandex psychos fight the fight
So we ship ‘em off to prison when they level blocks in battle
On some package cruise for villains, plunging public funds for travel
Sure, they may look caged, but the truth is, we're just saddled
So I ask you listeners now
We've bought the raft, where's the paddle?
[Chorus: J. Jonah Jameson]
That's all, so tune in again
We got the news and the views on which you can depend
If you see him, you can log in and send in all your pictures
Pictures of Spider-Man
This super nuisance screws up more than he mends
So maybe you should view him through an alternate lens
We're horrified at all of the positive comments on your pictures
Pictures of Spider-Man

[Verse 3: JT Music & J. Jonah Jameson]
Speak for yourself, I've seen Spidey protect this city
Last Monday, I got jumped and mugged
Trust me, they could've killed me
When suddenly, this muscular stud in the tightest suit
Saved me first, gave me my purse, and strung the thugs up by their boots
Well now, that's a lovely story, but did you not deduce
That maybe Spider-Man and all those thugs are in cahoots?
Wait, did you just say "cahoots"?
Yes I did, and it's the truth! (Nah)
With that spider on our ceilings, violent crime is through the roof!
Next!

[Verse 4: Rustage & J. Jonah Jameson]
Uh, hello? Hi, is this the right number?
Of that blathering idiot spitting, belittling heroes, and making me wonder
Did you not see the bank heist?
Spider-Man knocked out his lights!
I can't believe you have the nerve to mock those who do what's right
Yes, the bank was already in trouble
Then the spider shows up for the scuffle
Might he have taken the fight outside ‘stead of crushing the lobby to rubble?
Stopping a robbery or was he just showing off
At the cost of the jobs and the property?
Dropped all that concrete on top of the robber
And still didn't bother to finish him properly!
Next!
[Verse 5: Dan Bull & J. Jonah Jameson]
Yeah, hi, I'm just trying to find out
Why you're so riled up half of the time now?
Couldn't you present a better argument
If you were calm instead of getting farther into
A belligerent position in which
Refusing to listen to listeners' differing
Views is a thing that you're choosing to do?
Even when they've just proven the truth, you just interrupt—
Another caller tries tell me how to do my job
When I holler, it's not out of anger, no, it's out of love
For this city! For its people!
But if you just think I'm ticked off
Turn over to that hero-loving hellcat hosting Trish Talk

[Chorus: J. Jonah Jameson]
That's all, so tune in again
We've got the news and the views on which you can depend
If you see him, you can log in and send us all your pictures
Pictures of Spider-Man
If you're delusional, then you can pretend
That our city isn't victim of a dangerous trend
But if you've been afflicted
Then, of course, you can send your pictures
Pictures of Spider-Man

[Verse 6: J. Jonah Jameson]
Non-lethal? That's just fine
He just hung them up in a bundle of twine
'Til our city's window cleaners find them ten floors up in ten months' time
But what's a few corpses glued onto roofs
When his YouTube movies get millions of views?
That the hoodlum puts on a mask just proves
That he's not paying tax on the ad revenue
The fact is the impact of this damned arachnid
Can be tracked back to the day that he landed
Donned a mask and the bad guys adapted
Menageries of mad-men he manufactured
This hack is the last thing we need
Now sentient sand and Nazi bees!
Lizards, wizards, can't we see
That spider's like a damned disease?
Call me traditional, I do things by the book
But if you like the truth, my friend
Well, you can buy the book
Violence shook and sides were took, yet some would let them off the hook
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that sheep will follow crooks (Got the news that you need)
You���re left with vigilantes when you let crime get away (That's all, so tune in next week)
So when will Spider-Man see that the freaks have had their day? (We've got the news that you need)
If it were up to me, folks, if I truly had my way (That's all, so tune in next week)
I'd simply snap my fingers and they'd all just go away (We've got the news that you need)

[Outro: J. Jonah Jameson]
(That's all, so tune in next week)
You, you still here? Good, you're rehired
(We've got the news that you need)
Get me a coffee and then fire yourself again, amateurs