I'm tied down, I'm locked up
I don't make independent decisions, but my wife says that I don't miss it
My old friends, they don't call
In fact, this weekend they're riding ski-doos while I'm taking my kids to three zoos

But the third zoo isn't exactly a zoo
It's a family counselor dressed like a raccoon

I'm a family man, living according to a family plan
I just found somebody's feces on my hand
I grab a towel that's monogrammed
'Cause I'm a family man

I don't have a dream job
I bust my butt every day from 9 to 5 to finance the dreams of my kids and wife
And my wife has a business idea
She wants to sell these teeny-tiny hats made especially for little baby cats

Notice that I didn't say kitten
My wife says that a baby cat is something different

I'm a family man
We all don't fit in a sedan
My last child, that spawn of Satan, was unplanned
Please cut my vas deferens
I'm a family man
I'm a family man