Last week I saw you in the lobby passin' through
You said, "Hey, how ya doin? "; I said, "Pretty good man and you?"
Well that wasn't true
I was actually doin' pretty bad
Havin' just received some unfortunate news from my dad
He had invested my inheritance in his new business plan
That plan was takin' teens to the prom in a fleet of used mini vans
So at that moment, I didn't really care how you were doin'
And I don't remember your name. That's why I called you man

The other night at midnight you called me on the phone
You asked me if you woke me up, but I said "no"
But the truth is I was in the deepest sleep of my life
Havin' the most realistic dream I was flyin'
In the international human flyin' championship
Your sister was there and was about to give me a kiss
That's when you called me and asked me how to say guhnauchi
Listen closely
It's gnocchi

[Chorus:]
I'm just bein' honest -est -est -est
Uh-uh-uh-honestly honesty means that much to me
Uh-uh-uh-honestly honesty means that much to me- much to me

Remember on our recent romantic night out
You broke the silence by askin'. "What are you thinkin' about?"
I said, "How much I love you" but that's not true
I mean, I do love you, I just don't think like you do
My brain's a sophisticated department of completely disconnected compartments
And at that particular moment I was thinkin' about sports

Last night when I was quiet you asked me, "What's wrong?"
I looked into your eyes and said, "Nothing at all"
That's not exactly true, I'm actually starting to resent you
And the work you're pouring into your taxidermy petting zoo
You haven't called me pookie-pie in over four months!
Do you wanna preserve us, or this dead dove?

[Chorus]

The day before yesterday, you pulled me over and
Asked, "Do you have any idea how fast you were goin'?"
I said, "Oh, no Officer, I didn't even see you"
But I did see you, and I was goin' seventy two
And in full disclosure my right speaker was blown
And for the preceding ten miles, my left blinker was on
(I had no intention of ever turning left)

You may recall I gave a testimonial for your product.
I said, "The Face Cave in no way makes me look idiotic
I feel like I'm in a cave even though I'm not really in a cave
Because the only thing in the cave is my face"
To tell you the truth, Face Caves are hostile
Unless you really like stalagmites up your nostrils

You know your terms and conditions agreement?
When I was updating my software, I didn't read it!