[Intro: Rhett & Link]
Hey
Whatcha doing?
Driving, whatcha doing?
Driving and texting
Hmm, are you sure you should be doing that?

[Verse 1: Link]
Yes, because I'm a textpert
An expert at texting
Rejecting the notion that you think I'll be wrecking
Due to the fact that I'm distracted?
I multi-task best behind the wheel when I get textually active
You should keep both eyes on the road, sir, for real
You'll look down, look up and end up in the trunk of another automobile
Leave it to a pro, be incommunicado
Until you get to where you need to go, this conversation's o… ver

[Break: Rhett & Link]
No, it isn't
Yes, it is
No, it isn't

[Verse 2: Rhett]
Cause I'm a textpert, an expert at texting
Pressing my keypad when my car's not resting
I can divide my attention up
I got so much attention, I've got an eleven-tion
With one eye on the road, one eye on my phone
I texted-in this drive-thru order for my latte and scone
Thank you
Now I'm gonna text n' eat n' sip n' dip n' shift
It in to D and then chin-drive home
[Hook: Rhett & Link]
I'm a textpert
A textin' traveler who doesn't need a chauffeur-eur-eur-eur-eur
I'm a textpert
Don't worry, nobody's gonna get hurt-urt-urt-urt-urt

[Verse 3: Rhett & Link]
Sometimes I text both sides of a conversation
Cause it's tough to keep up with my text-ual pacing
On rare occasion, when I've got nothing to text about
I text myself reminders of what I'm doing now
I carry on more concurrent conversations
Than one phone alone is prone to accept, so I've
Tested and perfected my patented method
The second handset hands-free toe text
I ride with my Swedish Masseuse
She gimme deep tissue thumb shiatzu
My yogi shows me hand yoga poses like
Downward Facing Pinky and Thumb Lotus
I never stoop so low as to text photos
Instead I text the correct combo of ones and zeros
I'm an artiste using ASCII
I just texted this toad to an art gallery
I text more than the next bored pre-pubescent tween
In fact I've text-induced my own second puberty
How does that work exactly?
Everything that happened before is happening some more
That's all I'm comfortable sharing at this time
I gave a lift to a drifter
And texted his estranged sister
And now I'm hostin' em here for dinner
Well did I mention I'm a text-itrician?
A next-gen OB/GYN, a Lamaze text-nician
Well, I'm the next Dr. Phil of SMS
I'm poppin' out babies with the power of text!
[Hook: Rhett & Link]
I'm a textpert
A texting traveler who doesn't need a chauffeur-eur-eur-eur-eur
I'm a textpert
Don't worry, nobody's gonna get hurt-urt-urt-urt-urt

[Outro: Rhett & Link]
By the way, where you headed, son?
Headed West on 421
421?
Uh-huh
West?
Yes. You?
Me? I'm headed–
(Crash)

“If you're texting, you're not driving.”