Matt (spoken): My problem is... talking

Calvin (spoken): Talking? You talk fine...more or less

Matt (spoken): Uh, I'm taking fine now, yeah, but that's only because...

Calvin (spoken): Because why?

Matt (spoken): Because... because I don't find you attractive, no offense!

Calvin (spoken): Woahhh none taken!

[MATT]
But if I did my words would not be making sense!

Calvin (spoken): That is so hard to imagine...

[MATT}
With only guys around me, I always talk real good
But when I'm talking to a babe things don't go as they should!
I start a conversation, the blood starts rushing south
And yadda yadda, foot is in my mouth!

Calvin (spoken): Yeah but a guy with your looks doesn't need to be articulate!

Matt (spoken): Dude, when there's a hot girl around, I can't even say "artilicate"

[MATT]
I screw up all the grammar, I switch the words around
I burp a lot, and stammer, and I make this wheezing sound...
*wheezes*
Soon my tongue stops working, and no more words will come!
At that point I just stand there looking dumb...

Calvin (spoken): But that's okay, 'cause...

[CALVIN]
You're the man!

Matt (spoken): I'm not...

[CALVIN]
I'll tell you why!

Matt (spoken): Why?

[CALVIN]
A girl can not resist a handsome looking guy!
She will say she needs a man who has a high I.Q
Then she'll settle for a moron if he looks like you
With muscles and a tan
Buddy, face it, you're the man!

Matt (spoken): Yeah, that's easy for you to say! You don't have a...talking problem

Calvin (spoken): No...

[CALVIN]
But don't you think your problems could be worse?

Matt (spoken): How?

[CALVIN]
Imagine if you had them in reverse!

Matt (spoken): Reverse...huh?

Calvin (spoken): Check it out:

[CALVIN]
The thing that I am best at is having lots to say
But when you look like me the girls don't listen anyway!
So I can be poetic, and clever without end
And still they'll only want me as a friend!

Matt (spoken): Dude, don't be modest!

[MATT]
You're the man!

Calvin (spoken): I'm serious!

[MATT]
That's what I've heard!

Calvin (spoken): Nope

[MATT]
'Cause all the kids here say you're smart but not a nerd!
And if you can give a girl a little food for thought
She will see you as good-looking even if you're not!

Calvin (spoken): Thanks...

[MATT]
So tell yourself you can!

Calvin (spoken): I can't!

[MATT]
You've got wit, so you're the man!

Calvin (spoken): Well, thank you. But my wit is useless, trapped behind this face! Unless...

Matt (spoken): What?

Calvin (spoken): If you were my mouthpiece... I'm sure I could win her over! For...you. A guy with your looks, and my words? She won't know what hit her!

Both (spoken): Oh yeah!

Matt (spoken): But what doctor could do that type of operation?

Calvin (spoken): What? No, listen!

[CALVIN]
Step one, I write a note for you to give her!

[MATT]
Step one, you write a note for me to give her!

[CALVIN]
Step two, you ask her out for Saturday night!

[MATT]
Step two, I ask her out for Saturday night!

[CALVIN]
Step three, I write the lines that you'll deliver!

[MATT]
Step three, you write the lines that I'll deliver!

[CALVIN]
Step four, I teach you how to say them right!

[MATT]
I'll say them right!

[CALVIN]
Step five, you ask her out to Johnny Rocket's!

Matt (spoken): Step five? Where?

Calvin (spoken): It's good

[CALVIN]
And say all my romantic lines by heart!

[MATT]
And say all your romantic lines by heart!

[CALVIN]
By then you'll have her heartstrings in your pocket!

[MATT]
Something about pockets!
Step six we go home for the funnest part!

Calvin (spoken): Wait, hang on, I don't think she's the type of girl that would-

Matt (spoken): Oh, dude! This is brilliant! Ah! I don't know how to thank you! You're just.. you're the man!

Calvin (spoken): No! No, no! From now on.. we're the man!

Matt (spoken): Huh? Oh!

{BOTH]
He talks like a professor, and yet he looks so good!

[MATT]
If this guy can't impress her, then I don't think no one could!

[CALVIN]
He's handsome as Adonis!

[MATT]
He speaks with grace and charm!

[BOTH]
So if he is two people what's the harm?

Calvin (spoken): Ha!

[BOTH]
We're the man! We're the Man!
And we've got ourselves a super genius plan!
If it's true there's strength in numbers, then our man is strong

[CALVIN]
And as long as you don't improvise he can't go wrong!
She'll be his biggest fan!

[MATT]
Like me and Jackie Chan!

Calvin (spoken): What?

[MATT]
Oh, it's like a brand new life has just began!

[CALVIN]
Begun!

Calvin (spoken): Remember, I'm the words guy. You're the pretty face

[CALVIN]
Stick to that, and we're the man!

Calvin (spoken): Here!

Matt (spoken): What is it?

Calvin (spoken): A love note

Matt (spoken): Ha! Already?

Calvin (spoken): I...always keep one with me. Just in case

[CALVIN]
All you have to do is put this letter in her hand
And you'll have her like a movie, playing on demand!
Cause nothing's hotter than
A smart and handsome man!

[MATT]
Like me and Jackie Cha-

Calvin (spoken): Enough with Jackie Chan?

[BOTH]
So it's clear (very clear!)
That we're...
The man!
The man
The man
The man
The man
The man!

Both (spoken): The man!