Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Man, I counted at least 15 black people on that montage.

Hey! Well, I’m here, at the Academy Awards, otherwise known as the White People’s Choice Awards. You realize, if they nominated hosts, I wouldn’t even get this job. So y’all be watching Neil Patrick Harris right now.

But this is the wildest, craziest Oscars to ever host, cause you got all this controversy, the no, no black nominees, you know? And people are like: “Chris you should boycott, Chris you should quit, you should quit!” You know, how come there’s only unemployed people to tell you to quit something, huh?

No one with a job ever tells you to quit. So, I thought about quitting. I thought about it real hard. But I realized, they gonna have the Oscars anyway. They not gonna cancel the Oscars because I quit, you know? And the last thing I need is to lose another job to Kevin Hart, okay? I don’t need that.

Kev right there! Kev make movies fast! Every month! Porno stars don’t make movies that fast.

Now, the thing is, why are we protesting, the big question: Why this Oscars? Why this Oscars, you know? It’s the 88th Academy Awards. It’s the 88th Academy Awards. Which means, this whole No Black Nominees Thing has happened at least 71 other times.

Okay? You gotta figure that it happened in the 50s, in the 60s, you know, in the 60s, one of those years Sidney didn’t put out a movie, I’m sure, I’m sure there were no black nominees some of those years. Say 62’ or 63’. And black people did not protest. Why? Because we had real things to protest at the time. You know?

We had real things to protest, you know, we were too busy being raped and lynched, to care about who won Best Cinematographer. You know, when your grandmother’s swinging from a tree, it’s really hard to care about Best Documentary Foreign Short.

But what happened this year? What happened? People went mad, you know? Spike got mad and [?] got mad and Jada went mad and Will went mad, everybody went mad, you know?

Jada got mad. Jada says she’s not coming, protesting. I’m like, "ain’t she on a TV show?" Jada is boycotting the Oscars. Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited. Oh that’s … it’s not an invitation I would turn down.

But I understand, I’m not hating. I understand you’re mad, Jada’s mad, her man Will was not nominated for Concussion, I get it, I get it, “tell the truth”, I get it, I get it. You get mad. It’s not fair that Will was this good and didn’t get nominated. You’re right. It’s also not fair that Will was paid $20 million for Wild Wild West, okay?

Things, you know, this year the Oscars, things gonna be a little different. Things gonna be a little different at the Oscars. This year, in the In Memoriam Package, it’s just gonna be black people that were shot by the cops on their way to the movies.