[VAL, spoken]
I swiped my dance card once after an audition and on a scale of ten, they gave me for dance, ten, for looks, three. Well!

(sung)
Dance, ten
Looks, three
And I'm still on unemployment
Dancin' for my own enjoyment
That ain't it, kid
That ain't it, kid

"Dance, ten
Looks, three"
It's like to die!
Left the theatre and
Called the doctor for
My appointment to buy

Tits and ass
Bought myself a fancy pair
Tightened up the derriere
Did the nose with it
All that goes with it

Tits and ass
Had the bingo-bongos done
Suddenly I'm getting national tours!
Tits and ass won't get you jobs
Unless they're yours
Didn't cost a fortune neither
Didn't hurt my sex life either

Flat and sassy
I would get the strays and losers
Beggars really can't be choosers
That ain't it, kid
That ain't it, kid

Fixed the chassis
"How do you do!"
Life turned into an
Endless medley of
"Gee, it had to be you!"
Why?

Tits and ass!
Where the cupboard once was bare
Now you knock and someone's there
You have got 'em, hey
Top to bottom, hey

It's a gas!
Just a dash of silicone
Shake your new maracas and you're fine!
Tits and ass can change your life
They sure changed mine!
(spoken)
You're all looking at my tits now, aren't you?

(sung)
Have it all done
Honey, take my word
Grab a cab, c'mon
See the wizard on
Park and Seventy-Third
For

Tits and ass
Orchestra and balcony
What they want
Is what ya see
Keep the best of you
Do the rest of you

Pits or class
I have never seen it fail
Debutante, or chorus girl, or wife
Tits and ass
Yes, tits and ass
Have changed my life!