BARKILPHEDRO
[Spoken] And so here we find ourselves gathered once again to worship at the altar of sweet distraction. Prepare yourselves for a tale so utterly horrid and yet so strangely uplifting that all your earthly woes will be riddled with worms of unspeakable joy. Welcome to a time in history that never was. In a world wildly different and yet weirdly similar to your own. Here, in the nation’s great capital city Lonnn’donn - yes, Lonnn’donn! With the freaks and quagmire of Trafalgar Fair, the steaming effluence that gurgles through the open sewers of Whitehall, and the loathsome hog brothels of Downing Street. All a far cry from the shimmering turrets of the mighty royal palace in Catford. Oh, Lonnn’donn, you human cesspool. In a world of inescapable misery…

[Sung] Look around, unhappy people, see the truth you can’t deny
Read the faces of your neighbours
Life is pain and then you die

You’re here because your hearts are broken
Here to mock the tears you’ve shed
And escape the poison spoken
By the voices in your head

For here amid the raging pain
There is one tiny crumb of joy
A lesson burnt into my brain
When I was but a little boy

BARKILPHEDRO & COMPANY
However foul misfortune smells
However sharp her vicious claws
There is always someone else
Whose life is even worse than yours

BARKILPHEDRO
Laughter is the best medicine
Laughter is the best…
Medicine