[Verse 1]
Fiji, VOSS, Topo Chico, La Croix
Coursing through the veins of each American boy
Spray-on chemtrails from Louis Vuitton
Overzealous pat down from stupid Uncle Don
What makes a man want to be a referee?
Holding others to a standard that he does not meet?
My security deposit was not returned to me
Damage to the carpet is a matter of degrees

[Pre-Chorus]
Here's my TED Talk about washing the driveway
People do it wrong I'm gonna teach you the right way
Pink Starbursts only when observing the Lord's day
Your parents' pride and joy

[Chorus]
Don't want to go to Calabasas
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Don't want to go to Calabasas
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)

[Verse 2]
Fiji, VOSS, Topo Chico, La Croix
Flowing from a fountain of a cherubic boy
Cooler Ranch-flavored communion wafers
Transubstantiation flеsh and full of life
I only want to talk to people who alrеady know how lame I am
And is con man really short for condiment man?
Boyfriend with a soul patch
I know, I know, it's serious
[Pre-Chorus]
Here's my TED Talk about washing the driveway
People do it wrong I'm gonna teach you the right way
Pink Starbursts only when observing the Lord's day
Your parents' pride and joy

[Chorus]
Don't want to go to Calabasas
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Don't want to go to Calabasas
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
(Ah ha, ah ha!)
Don't want to go to Calabasas
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Don't want to go to Calabasas
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
(Brah ha ha!)

[Pre-Chorus]
Here's my TED Talk about washing the driveway
People do it wrong I'm gonna teach you the right way
Pink Starbursts only when observing the Lord's day
Your parents' pride and joy