[Intro: Patti]
You know that wasn't black face, right?

[Intro: Ziwe]
What?!

[Intro: Patti]
At the Halloween party
It was just self tanner
I'm not racist

[Intro: Ziwe]
Okay...

[Intro: Patti]
How many black friends do I have?

[Intro: Ziwe]
Uh, I didn't really ask...

[Intro: Patti]
Ah shit, son
Too many to count
Here are some of my favorites...

[Intro: Ziwe]
Please don't list them
[Intro: Patti]
I'm going to list them
So you KNOW I'm not racist

[Intro: Ziwe]
This is problematic

[Verse 1: Patti]
Marcus is the best dancer
David gives the best advice
Monica makes the best soul food
And Rodger's my homeboy for life

[Chorus: Choir]
Black friends (Ziwe: Hey man, you don't have to list them out ...)
Black friends (Ziwe: ...like a Pokémon rap or something)
They are my best friends (Ziwe: Also, a lot of these people seem...)
In the world! (Ziwe: ...like huge stereotypes)

[Interlude: Patti]
Ha ha, no way, man!

[Verse 2: Patti]
The sweetest man I know is Chris
The toughest guy I know is Ron
All these people definitely exist
And I think racism is wrong!
Matthew is a great rapper
Thomas is a whiz at math
Kanye is a beat maker
And Chappelle makes me laugh!

[Chorus: Choir]
Black friends (Ziwe: Wait, sorry, did you say Kanye and Chappelle?)
Black friends (Ziwe: You're friends with them?)
They are my best friends (Patti: Yeah I'm friends with all of them)
In the world! (Ziwe: All of them?)

[Interlude: Patti]
Yeah!
Here are just a few more...

[Verse 3: Patti]
Zendaya, Drake, Killmonger
Key and Peele, Obama!
T'Challa, Don Cheadle, Shuri
Tia and Tamara!
Urkle, Django Unchained, Blade
Morpheus, Frozone!
Oprah, Nelson Mandela
Bubba Gum Shrimp, Raven Symone!

[Chorus: Choir]
Black friends (Ziwe: Half of those people are Black Panther characters)
Black friends (Ziwe: I'm starting to think you don't know any Black people)
They are my best friends (Patti: Dude, you're hilarious)
In the world! (Patti: That's why you're my best friend)
Black friends (Ziwe: Best friend? I just met you at this Wendy's bro)
Black friends (Ziwe: You just started talking at me)
They are my best friends (Ziwe: Do you know any normal, like non-celebrity black people?)
In the world! (Patti: Shit son, I thought you'd never ask...)

[Verse 4: Patti]
Deion, Deiondre, Dele
Denzel, Dewayne, Dikembe
Duante, Jamar, Jevonte
Kadeem, Kendis, and Kentay

[Chorus: Choir]
Black friends (Ziwe: Dude, I just saw you take out your phone ...)
Black friends (Ziwe: ... and Google "Popular Black names")
They are my best friends (Ziwe: What's your problem?!)
In the world! (Patti: My problem? I'm friends with too many Black people)

[Interlude: Ziwe]
Too many?

[Interlude: Patti]
Yep, including this choir

[Interlude: Choir]
She is friends with all of us, Lord!
She is friends with all of us, Lord!
She's not paying us to sing this song!

[Interlude: Patti]
Ladies and gentleman, my best friend Aretha Franklin

[Interlude: Ziwe]
Nope! She's dead!

[Interlude: Not Aretha Franklin]
Yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-ah-ah

[Outro: Ziwe]
Man that actually was the most racist thing I've ever heard

[Outro: Patti]
Thanks Shwanna
Peace!

[Outro: Ziwe]
You'd be an iconic guest

[Outro: Patti]
Yeah, that's what I said
What did you hear?