Texas Bluebell
A Star Stable short story
Part of the Soul Rider series by Helena Dahlgren

Everyone thinks that terrible things always happen to someone else.
Still, you can't help holding your breath from time to time.
If you're superstitious, you might cross your fingers,
avoid black cats, make sure not to break any mirrors.
And then you exhale again.
We all exhale, all 7 billion of us.
but terrible things do happen. They happen all the time.
And they can happen to you too.
They happen and life will never be the same again.
Actually, that's not true. Eventually, life becomes normal again.
A new kind of normal.
But. In other ways, everything has changed forever.
I know, because it happened to me.

I can hear Alex's voice through the wall. I hear Linda.
The gently scraping sound as she press a dandy brush against the curry comb.
Meteor’s incessant chewing, some other horse stomping restlessly against the floor.
Everything has a melody.
The stable too.
At this point I know the stable melody by heart, it is engraved into my soul.
The calm steady humming and scratching sounds, those rare moments of quiet
followed by bustling activity as the first afternoon riders drop in after school.
Everything is so familiar, I belong here with Starshine in his stall.
Starshine, the horse has somehow became mine although I swore never to ride again.
My second chance in life.
I know, I know, this sounds melodramatic but it feels that way.
This is home, it really is.

Yet today I feel half a world away
and I don't know how I'll ever make it home again.
I think I'll ride alone today - I call out to Linda and Alex in the neighboring stalls.
They nod and carry on tending to their horses.
As I pushed the cubicle door to the side Herman walks into the stable with a little girl in tow.
I think I might have seen her here before but I'm not sure.
She avoids my gaze as we say hello.
This is Stella - Herman says - rising star of Jorvik Stables
and this is Lisa and Starshine.
Stella smiles a careful smile, peering shyly towards me.
But she doesn't say anything.
Something squeezes my heart when I see the way she moves.
Treading slowly, also carefully. It's like she's walking on glass
like the world could break at any time.
“Perhaps her world has already been broken” - I think.
I smile at Stella in an encouraging way
I hope.
She looks into the ground gazing at a long piece of straw lying there.
Starshine takes a step out of the stall, shaking his head.
Stella looks up into Starshine’s eyes.
Want to say hi? - I ask.
She nods.
Her body is wired taut as she shuffles closer and stands right next to me.
But when Starshine rests his big, heavy head against her small one
it's like her entire being relaxes.
I can sense the warmth flowing through her.
She laughs as Starshine rolls into her open palm, so do I.
I bet he thinks you brought him a treat - I say
feeling that invisible hand squeezes my heart once more.
A memory starts clawing
trying to find its way out.
It's a difficult one
so I try to store it away most of the time.
But now I feel a memory crashing over me and I can't
won't keep it away.
Herman says something.
I watch as Sella follows him onwards to the other stalls and horses
but everything sounds distant.

Inside my head a voice whispers.
I haven't heard that voice in a long time.
I can't defend myself
can't shut it out.
It's already inside me, clear as a bell.
Isa! - the voice calls.
Come on Isa let's ride
I flinch
because the voice is so close and it sound so real.
But I know that it only exists inside my head.
Starshine and I walk through the open stable doors.
His hooves scrape against the hard floor
it has an expectant sound to it.
Come on big guy - I say
let's ride into the woods.
Just the two of us.
Soon we're on the trail headed for the woods.

I inhale a sweet scent of melting ice
sunlight and coltsfoot
Spring really is on its way now
but the air is still cool.
We're trotting so quickly that I can feel the icy wind biting my cheeks.
I haven't a dress warmly enough.
As soon as we ride into the shade of trees I start to shiver.
But that's okay. I don't want to go back to the stables.
I need to be alone.
This ride is for me and Starshine.
But not just the two of us.
There's someone else here in the woods too.
I carry her inside my heart, always.
As naturally as you carry the weight of your own body.

Today, my heart is heavier than usual.
Because it's now, while the birds chirp and the sun shines bright and sharp
that I know with every fiber of my being that a terrible thing
the worst possible thing
has already happened to me.
Around this time of the year, it's happening again.
All the memories, all the feelings
blossom with the spring flowers
and everything comes back to me.
Over there by the ditch for example
I could have sworn that ditch was empty yesterday
But now it's filled with bluebells.
The dry spring grass is barely visible underneath the blanket of blue petals.
In Texas, where I'm from, a special type of bluebells bloom in the spring.
They're called Texas Bluebells
and they were my mom's favorite flowers.

That day
the last day
they were everywhere.
brushing against our horses hooves as we galloped over the plains for the last time.
And inside my head, her voice sounds so real
Come on Isa - my mom laughs - race you up the hill!
Through time and space I hear my mother's beckoning
and before I'm even aware of it I break into a canter.
As I gallop away the flowers become thin, blue streaks along the side of the trail.
And suddenly I'm no longer Lisa.
I am Isa
and my legs dangle across the sides of my pony Smokey.
I know that I'm too big for him
but this spring will be our last spring together.
Mom and Dad have talked about letting me ride one of the bigger horses at another stable close by.
A wave of excitement whirls through me as I think about it.
At the same time I feel sad when I see my legs dangle well under Smokey stomach.
It becomes so blatantly obvious that we no longer fit.
That this is the end of an era.
The end of Isa and Smokey.

From far ahead I hear her voice again.
Lazy pants - she yells - Come on!
My mom's bright laughter, like a string of pearls.
She's already halfway up the hill, typical mom.
I ask for a lope and off Smokey goes.
His hooves thunder against the grass.
The ground is bright blue with flowers.
Mom starts galloping even faster until she and Duchess are almost flying up the hill.
I hear her holler "Wohoo"
and I urge Smokey on until he snorts and quickens the pace too.
It feels like I'm soaring up the hill.
The sun is in my eyes blinding me but I don't mind.

But seconds later I'm back in the present back to a sun that cuts right through me.
I can't see.
Where am I?
And who am I?
Lisa or Isa?
My hands fumble against star shine.
I can feel his mane bristly to my touch but I still can't see anything.
Just the massive, boiling sun that somehow seems too big
too bright
too... much.
A sound slips out of me, a muffled scream.
It shatters the air before I even understand where the sound comes from.
Before I realize that I'm the one making it
Starshine skids to a halt, his ears tipped forward.
I stare around wildly, breathing heavily.
My heart is pounding so fast it almost drowns out the birdsong.
Why am I so scared all of a sudden?
the thought registers in my mind just before I see it.
It wasn't the sun that made me react this way.
No, it was something else.
A few yards away lies a big sharp rock.
It glistens in the sunlight.
We stay away from rocks you and I - I say to Starshine.
He nickers his reply.
The sun shines on our backs.
When I turn around towards the sun
I see a dark haired woman on a pinto horse riding up behind me.
She gallops, faster and faster and sweeps by.
Watch out for the rock! - I cry
but she can't hear me.
She just keeps on galloping.
A gust of wind makes my eyes tear up.
The tears keep on falling.
I open my mouth but I can't make a sound.
The silence is an ice cold bath.
Watch out for the rock, mom.
Then the rider disappears.
Perhaps she was never there.
I sit alone in the echoing silence.

Suddenly my body is a child's body, alien yet familiar at the same time.
My legs dangle across Smokey sweaty flank.
We're approaching the farm.
Beyond the field of aquamarine flowers I can see the outline of our house.
"Soon I'll be home" I think.
Dad is there, we'll get help.
What Isa doesn't know is that it's already too late.
That in just two weeks
she'll be standing in front of her mother's coffin with a bunch of Texas bluebells in her hand.
Starshine makes a snoring sound and awakens me
snatching me away from my memories.
He starts to walk very gently.
I try to blink away the tears in my eyes as I see spruce and douglas-fir, not wildflowers.
But the tears keep falling down my cheeks.
The rock, mom - I whisper as a lean against Starshine's mane.
Why didn't you see the rock?
My head is full of sounds and images. I can't stop them.
My very own horror movie keeps playing on repeats.
It always ends the same way.
Inside the hospital, holding my dad's hand.
He's still wearing the barbecue apron.
I ask him where Smokey and Duchess are and dad answers
They're home, in the stables.
I never ask about them again.
At that very moment I stop being Isa, forever.
Now I'm just Lisa
and I will never again gallop with my mom and lots of bluebells.

Starshine loweres his head and whinnies
like something has caught his eye.
I stand up in my stirrups, dry my eyes
try to follow his gaze.
Looking over the moss I can see the first delicate birch leaves
they've always reminded me of mouse ears.
The bluebells are gone
but I can hear something.
A whimper, maybe?
Yes
something makes a soft squeaking noise among the birch trees.
Could be a wounded animal?
I dismount, holding tightly onto Starshine's reins.
It's hard to keep up with him as he urges forward away from the path
drawing me deeper into the woods
we leave the sun behind us.
In here, among the shadows the cold has an almost wintery touch
An owl hoots.
The path right here it's an animal trail
a thought slips out of my mind
no humans should tread here.
A branch snaps under my riding boots, something flutters and then I hear the whimper again.
And I see. I catch my breath.

The black baby foal lies abandoned on the ground in front of me.
His legs are ridiculously long and gawky
his coat all ruffled.
I crouch before him so as not to frighten him.
Carefully, I reach out my hand and approach the foal.
He looks just like Starshine in that old photo Herman showed me once.
Except his mane is gray, not blue like Starshine's.
My heart aches when I hear him winning weakly.
His heart is beating fast under my outstretched palm.
His long ungainly legs twitching the air.
There you go - I say
stroking his tufty fur.
He's as soft as the stuffed animals I used to sleep with when I was a kid.
Underneath the soft coat he's startlingly cold to the touch.
his eyes flicker as he sighs heavily.
Oh sweetheart - my voice is thick with emotion.
Where's your mama, little one?
Gently, gently.
I caress the foal's neck.
I can feel him tremble.
His eyes are half open, slightly dazed.
I shut my eyes and a dark thought comes to me.
What would have happened if we hadn't found him right now?
If we had taken another route.
He wouldn't have made it much longer
hours maybe or just minutes.
The baby foal is exhausted, cold and dehydrated.
But now we're here and I have to save him.
It can't be too late.
Not this time.
Where's your mama? - I ask again
my throat all choked up.
I look into the tiny foal's eyes, seeing my own reflection.
Then I think about all those awful horse traps I seen around the island.
Hard and rusty like ancient instruments of torture.
Could the foal's mother had been trapped?
and I see knot grows in my stomach.
I don't have a mom either - I whisper as I caress his neck.
Tears fall salty and warm against the foal's dandelion soft pelts.
I cry so hard that I start shaking.
I cry for myself, for the foal and for everyone who doesn't have a mom anymore.
I cry until I'm all dried out.
Until I am as empty and cool as the woods surrounding us.

Starshine lowers his head.
Next to the foal he looks like a giant.
Gingerly he sniffs the tiny tiny horse.
I pet the little one across a ridge of his muzzle
feeling the warmth of his breath as he responses to Starshine's greeting.
Their muzzles nudge against one another's for a brief moment.
Then Starshine steps back and watches me.
there's something eerily beseeching in his eyes, like he's trying to tell me something
A song hooks into my mind.
I can feel the outlines of it
because all my songs have shape and color.
This one is black with streaks of pink
Starshine's gaze becomes my compass, like so many times before.
I look into his eyes and in that instant I know what to do.
The music is louder inside me now. It resonates through my body, grows stronger and stronger.
I dry my eyes then I start to sing.
My voice soars up into the cool spring air mingling with a scent of moss and the first forest flowers.

When I feel the wind blow
I know that you're here with me
It’s time to let go
But I'm holding onto the memories
Cause from where I stand
it looks kind of far but you're holding my hand

Through my song I can heal the sick and the wounded.
I've known this ever since I first helped Starshine.
The first time we were out riding in the woods.
Now I sing for the foal and his missing mother.
I sing about sorrow and regrets. About having to say goodbye much too soon.
I sing for the bluebells and the bright spring sun.

♪This is for you♪

As I sing I feel the warmth spreading out through my hands as I gently press them against the foal sides.
My magic, the Lisa magic
is all pink shimmering notes as it slowly pours out of me like honey.
At last, the shivers subside.
I stroke him, grinning wildly when he gets up on those woobly legs.
My heart melts when he neighs softly.
I get up, my jeans are all muddy.
I don't know how long I've been leaning against the foal, singing
but I do know one thing.
It's time to go home.
The baby foal trots behind us as we ride up to the stable

Stella peeks out from the stable doors
when she sees the three of us me, Starshine and the baby foal
her eyes look like they're about to pop.
She walks up to the fall staring in disbelief.
She whispers "are you..."
and I realize that this is the first time I've heard her speak.
The foal approaches Stella on wobbly legs, putting his muzzle in her palm.
They stand perfectly still until Herman comes out of the stable.
He too is wide eyed, grinning from ear to ear as he looks at the girl.
It's been a while now - he says.
But today a starbreed has chosen someone from the Jorvik Stables again.
You're his person now, Stella.
He will follow you everywhere.
Enter translated subtitle
Hesitantly, she starts walking along the gravel path.
The foal follows her.
Stella turns around and locks eyes with him.
The bond between them is so strong
I swear I can feel it radiating towards me.
All of a sudden I feel like singing again.
Wow - Still exclaims.
I stand with Starshine just watching, all warm and tingling side.
My eyes seek Stella's and for a brief moment we look at each other.
"Now you have your Starshine" I think
"Now you don't ever need to feel alone again."

Alex and Linda emerged from the stable
They go "aww" in unison when they see the baby foal.
What shall we call him? - Linda looks at Stella expectantly.
Stella turns to me.
I want you to name him, Lisa.
I think about it for a little while.
Then I see my mother before me and I feel the scent of wildflowers and the hot sun on my face.
Texas - I say
His name is Texas.

You have listened to "Texas Bluebell" a Star Stable short story.
Part of the Soul Riders series written by Helena Dahlgren
and read by me - Emma Öst