I’ve had situations in my lab where I had underperforming graduate students
And one of the things that was really awful about that was that it was really hard on the high performing graduate students
You know, because they felt that even being in the same category as the people who weren’t working hard and pulling their weight devalued what they were doing
You know, and that’s exactly right
And so this is also why there’s a conscientiousness trait and an agreeableness trait
Cos conscientious people judge you on your accomplishments, right
They don’t give a damn about your feelings, not a bit
It’s like, are you doing the work or not?
Whereas agreeable people think, well you know, your mother is sick and you’ve got a bunch family problems and we all have to take care of each other and it’s no wonder that you’re having a rough time
And, like, you can’t say that one of those attitudes is correct and the other isn’t correct
You can’t say that, there wouldn’t be those two dimensions if there wasn’t something correct about both of them, but you can certainly point out that often they conflict
And so the demand for inclusiveness and unity and care and the demand for high-level performance and hierarchal structure, they are very different orientations in the world and so it’s complicated for people who are...

Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious

One of the things that happens very often in psychotherapy
You know, people come to psychotherapy for multiple reasons but one of them is they often come because they’re too agreeable and so what they get it is so-called assertiveness training
Although it’s not exactly assertiveness that’s being trained
What it is is the ability to learn how to negotiate on your own behalf
And one of the things I tell agreeable people, especially if they’re conscientious
Is say what you think, tell the truth about what you think
There’s gonna be things you think that you think are nasty and harsh
And they probably are nasty and harsh
But they’re also probably true
And you need to bring those up to the forefront and deliver the message
And it’s not straightforward at all because agreeable people do not like conflict; not at all
They smooth the water
It takes a lot of conflict to solve problems in the short-term, that can spiral up to where it’s dangerous
Which it can if it gets uncontrolled
It might be safer in the short-term to keep the water smooth and to not delve into those situations where conflict emerges
The problem with that is it’s not a very good medium to long-term strategy
Lots of times there are things you have to talk about because they’re not gonna go away
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious

And so partly what you do with agreeable people is you get them to figure out
And they have a hard time with this too
If you ask a disagreeable person what he wants say, or she wants
They’ll tell you right away
They know, it’s like this is what I want and this is how I’m gonna get it
But agreeable people, especially if they’re really agreeable
Are so agreeable that they often don’t even know what they want
Cos they’re so accustomed to living for other people and to finding out what other people want
And to trying to make them comfortable and so forth
That it’s harder for them to find a sense of their own desires as they move through life

Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious
Agreeable and conscientious