I pet him when I'm ready and he loves me when he's done
He's oh so furry and he's on the run
He promises me nothing, provides very little
Never owned boots and never played the fiddle
He can choose to kill me but he chooses not
When he makes up his mind he cannot be stopped
He will stare at me continuously as if wishes to say
Something profound that he can not relay

Didn't pick you 'cause I liked you
It's 'cause you were there
It's like all you produce is hair
So much hair

Number one cat in America, number one cat in America
Number one cat in America, number one cat in America
Number one cat in America, number one cat in America
Number one cat in America, number one cat in America

You hit me with a headache, all I ever breathe is fur
I'd ask your advice, but all you ever do is purr
Why is your head so itchy? (Uh huh)
Why won't you let me pet your belly?
Is that a smile or a frown face?
You're so clean, why keep the eye boogers?
You're drooling, are you thinking of sandwiches too?