[Charles]
We’ve all read the news today
Andrew, you will have to pay

[Andrew]
Don’t admit that all is lost
Say I had my fingers crossed

[Charles]
Why can’t you be like Anne?

[Andrew]
No one’s as good as Anne

[Both]
The blessed Anne

[Charles]
Silence, obey me

[Andrew]
How dare you betray me

[Charles]
There’s no use resisting
[Andrew]
I can’t stop existing
Remove every mention
Distract their attention
You can’t change the fact that I’m just an extension of you

A five, six, sеven, eight!
Kings and Queens used to bе murderers
Rapists, fanatics and thieves
But these days you’re all squeaky clean
Or so everybody believes
How d’you keep us all convinced
Of your virtue and dignity?
You’ve subcontracted your disgrace
To minor royals like me
Maybe there’s been errors of judgement
And maybe I’m partly to blame
But I was born to be the scapegoat
For all our family shame
The palace scowls at my behaviour
But secretly you need me around
Who d’you want the people hating
When you’re the one being crowned?

You’re always gonna need an Andrew
Every heir needs an ne’er-do-well
You always need a royal screw-up
And a shocking royal story to tell
Try to see my life in a broader context
You’ll find I haven’t much to regret
‘cause you’re always gonna need an Andrew
And you haven’t heard the last of me yet!
Birth to earth and room to tomb
Our lives must always follow the plan
Crush and warp your soul and spirit
‘cause it’s all for the good of the clan
Members of the great unwashed
Demand the monarch always looks like a saint
And the rest of us make that easier
Cos perfect is something we ain’t!
Princess Margaret’s torrid affairs
Kept the public fascinated for years
Lady Di-arna gave you great drama
And Meghan gives you plenty of tears
Yes we all loved George the sixth
He was a king everybody could like
But it’s easy to outshine your brother
When he’s a fan of the Third Reich

You’re always gonna need an Andrew
Every God needs a devil to smite
You’ll always need a royal wrong-un
To prove you’re the royal who’s right
I have played my part to complete perfection
So arguably you owe me a debt
Cos you’re always gonna need an Andrew
And you haven’t heard the last of me yet!
[Charles]
Brother, that is utter crap
And your delusion is a thing to behold
You’ve made your bed beyond the pale
And you’re never coming back in the fold
The things that you’re accused of
They were choices that you made on your own
Now let’s not mention them again
Because no one wants to lower the tone

There won’t be another Andrew
Every scandal needs to come to an end
There won’t be another interview
And you’ll never make another new friend
Do the firm a favour and keep your trap shut
No one wants to hear what you say
I just want the best for England now
And we expect you just to vanish away, ayy

[Andrew]
England expects
Every man will do his duty
England expects
This prince to be contrite
Could it be our family is a joke
And that I’ve become the punchline?
No!
I’m still Elizabeth’s favourite son
And what lessons have I learned? Well, zero, none!
That’s the unexpected moral that I’m gonna share tonight!

Oh, you’re always gonna need an Andrew
And you’ll always need to keep me sweet
If you never let me face the witness stand
Then I’ll never need admit defeat
My time is gonna come round again
You’ll see history is on my side
You’ll realise you couldn’t get rid of Andrew
And rue the day that you tried!

You’re always gonna need an Andrew
You haven’t heard the last of me yet
You’re always gonna love an Andrew
You haven’t heard the last of me yet
You’re always gonna want an Andrew
You’re always gonna find an Andrew
You’re always gonna need an Andrew
You’re always gonna need an Andrew
You’re always gonna need an Andrew
You’re always gonna need an Andrew
You’re always gonna need an Andrew
You’re always gonna need an Andrew
You’re always gonna need an Andrew
You’re always gonna need an Andrew
You’re always gonna need an Andrew
You’re always gonna need an Andrew