Human doormat
You've seen him before, that
Sad mammal too frightened to talk back
Wet flannel you wipe on the floormat
This is the format

Excuse me sir, I think you're in my seat
I'm sorry, check my ticket, it says 7B
I know all the other seats are full
I'm so sorry
Oh god, why isn't he moving
He's just staring at me
Silently

I'm not trying to distract from this situation
But there's a hole between my ribs
Liquid's seeping out
I wonder why this always happens during confrontations
But then I work it out

And I'm like
Oh, dear me
It seems I've sprung a leak
So can you fetch me a bucket
I’m oozing confidence
It's a self-assurancе feast
And I'm all that you can eat
So grab a dish from the buffеt
I'm oozing confidence
Back to the chair and you're still staring
Ahhhh
I'm impervious
I'm not nervous
Ahhhh

'Cause I know how to resolve this situation
I grab the hole between my ribs
Pull it bigger now
And from the hole comes a sad little micturition
And now I'm freaking out
It's self-assurance drought

And I'm like
Oh, no, I
Didn't plug the leak in time
I can’t believe I didn’t plug it
That's pure incompetence
And I see you've realised
That I've oozed myself bone dry
Tenacity starts to plummet
I'm losing confidence

Now that I think about it
I reckon I would actually prefer standing
I was never one to shirk a challenge
And what better test of mettle
Than standing seven hours
In the quiet carriage
I actually like the feel of lactic acid
Stacking in my legs while I'm fully static
Don't you think lactic acid is sick?
It's like my muscles are still
But they're filling up with acidic milk
(At least I think that's what lactic acid is)
I know!
I'm distracted from the present practicalities
In summation you can keep the seat
And I'll keep on my feet
And you can eat my KitKat
Sure!
You've helped yourself already
No problem they were built for sharing
Oh, you're eating the whole thing yourself
That's great
I’m actually watching my health

Can I get you anything?
Uh, a napkin maybe?
For the
For the KitKat crumbs
I-er, um, I'm sure they've
Got one in the food cart
I'll-
I'll go, I'll go and have a look, uh
No, no, I'm on my feet already
It's-
It's- It's no bother honestly
Alright I'll be right back
You stay right there
Don't you move a muscle
You've earned it
Really, you should be putting your feet up
That's right
Put them, up on the seat
That's what you deserve