[Intro]
Ay, look, uh, yeah, I'd like to make an appointment, please
I need a doctor
No, not Dr. Dre, an ac- an actual medical doctor, please

[Verse 1]
Ay, this song's kind of like a doctor's appointment
I made it for my welfare, not for enjoyment
The current state of healthcare's gotten fairly poignant
Employment in the NHS is stress and disappointment
Plus regarding these doctors and nurses
There's a large divide between what their cost and their worth is
What they're giving us is not just customer's service
Thus I'm not certain what they've done to deserve this
And I know economically there's not often a surplus
Especially with Tony Crony stock that we purchase
It's like the coffers are coffins dropped in a furnace
Gosh, it must have just got lost under the surface
Observing those at the top's like watching a circus
Of obnoxious impervious toffs that are discourteous
Not fussed what we eat, they just scoff their desserts up
And really couldn't give a toss if it hurts us
They've got the moral virtue of a disturbingly damp sock
Let me just take a second to say fuck Matt Hancock
And fuck Boris Johnson, there's nothing of his conscience
Not because he's competent, but 'cause he's over confident
He's not a plonker, he's an avaricious wanker
Ask a question different days, you'll have a different answer
Abandoned his kid that he had with a mistress
That just goes to show that it isn't the kid that's the bastard
[Chorus]
Jesus, fuck! Fucking shit!
Somebody, call a doctor, quick!
Fuck this shit! What the fuck?
Somebody, call a doctor up!
Jesus, what the fuck is that?
Somebody, call a doctor stat!
What the hell? Fucking wow!
Somebody, call a doctor now!

[Verse 2]
I'm a rapper without purpose, stacking up countless verses
Tracks queued like patients in the National Health Service
My playlist is a waiting list I made to pass the days to death
I'm praying that it's painless, then remembered I'm an atheist
Would you actually look at the state of this?
Can you imagine your taxes bloody paid for this? Crazy shit
Sorry, I didn't want to be ableist, today
But it just gets straight under my skin, it's subcutaneous
Look at this great big list of miscellaneous failures
Is it incompetence, corruption, or plain flippin' laziness?
Follow the dollar trail, there's obviously some shady shit
The misappropriation of our Great British safety net
Maybe if we necromanced Clement Attlee back
He'd save us, but sadly these days, it ain't what labour is
See, it's karma, all I see is Kier Starmer
In a sea of parliamentary sharks appeasing big pharma
He's a real charmer until he'll disarm you
With a demeanour that appears harmless like a meaner Shere Khan does
Of only Tony Benn was here, he'd be a father
To our social care, and sheathe it in a coat of steel armour
You know who's slightly overrated? Mister B. Obama
Clear killing civilians with drones, he's a real bomber
Told us he'd close Guantanamo Bay
So why the hell is it still open today?
I know that's not remotely related to the topic of this track
But it's a fact, I just, you know, needed to say
Stop idolising people, at most, you guys are equal
Then you won't be so surprised when finding that they're evil
I wish politicians weren't such a fucking obstacle
Look at them putting hospitals under mobster rule
Hey, I just remembered this is a G-funk bop
So I better start popping off my Glock pistol
[Chorus]
Jesus, fuck! Fucking shit!
Somebody, call a doctor, quick!
Fuck this shit! What the fuck?
Somebody, call a doctor up!
Jesus, what the fuck is that?
Somebody, call a doctor stat!
What the hell? Fucking wow!
Somebody, call a doctor now!

[Verse 3]
Mixing up nasty flows with the Hippocratic Oath
Giving the government such an intimate exam, it needs a chaperone
Hammer home that reflex test until I shatter bone
And they're wailing like an eighties solo on a saxophone
Fact is I'm just sat alone, chatting through your gramophone
The evidence that I present is anecdotal, and I'm hopeful
That you know better than just believing any bloke who's speaking
In a manner that suggests he knows something any deeper
Than a medical professional, credentials are respectable
However, it's always essential that you check the source
Like you check your balls, you need to squeeze the whole testicle
Know when to consult professionals, or to be skeptical
Don't recommend you take this track as medical advice
Because I'm just inventing anything I like
Like a fake war veteran who's never been in fights
But pretending that he'd die for his fellas by their side
Our leaders treat the NHS as benefit in kind
They're rarely fit for purpose, yet they never just resign
Just keep telling us it's fine with a repetitious line
They prepared for television baring their malicious mind
Sneaky underhanded wicked venomously vile
Steal that advantage with a devilish delight
Peel back the bandage, the infection in its rife
It seems the medicine cabinet has some skeletons inside
[Chorus]
Jesus, fuck! Fucking shit!
Somebody, call a doctor, quick!
Fuck this shit! What the fuck?
Somebody call a doctor up!
Jesus, what the fuck is that?
Somebody, call a doctor stat!
What the hell? Fucking wow!
Somebody call a doctor now!

[Outro]
Sitting from a considerably funky ambulance
Oh my god, imagine- hahaha
Imagine an low rider ambulance, the hydraulic, hah
Bouncing up and down, hahaha
Patient in the back just, uh
Ah, we have fun
We have fun, don't we?