[Inside of the house. An old man comes out of the closet by the stairs and relaxes on the couch in the drawing. The Armed Forces man is at the table. Three mice are playing cards]
MOUSE #1: I'll see you, Jimmy!
MOUSE #2: Well, I've got the seven of spades!
MOUSE #1: You rat!
MOUSE #2: I'm a mouse! [They laugh] [Cut to a plate. A stick of butter and a carrot are skating to music. After a while the music stops, and they kiss.
Rooster crows, and everybody scatters. Cut to outside Neil's bedroom. He is on his windowsill looking out. He stars at the sun. Suddenly, the sun splits in two.]
NEIL: [sighs] Morning has broken. [fade to kitchen. Rick is tucking in his shirt. Vyvyan is writing something. Mike is pulling cornflakes out of the box one by one.
Neil is just staring off into space]
MIKE: She loves me. She loves me lots. She loves me. She loves me lots. She loves me. [Vyvyan stops writing. Rick sits down at the table]
VYVYAN: Well, I finished the new car competition. I'm gonna win a Ford Tippex any minute. It's quite easy really, all you gotta do is match up six pictures of
famous noses with six pictures of famous bogeys! Thought that would shock you! Well, it's not through because then you have to say in ten words
what cornflakes mean to you. So I put, 'Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes!'
RICK: Pathetic! You'll never win, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN: Why not?
RICK: That's only nine words!
VYVYAN: Oh, yeah. [writes] 'Cornflakes.'
RICK: [plays with his ear] Anyway, you'll still never win because nothing interesting ever happens to us!
VYVYAN: Stop being so boring, Rick.
RICK: Oh, that's nice, isn't it? That's very nice! Coming from someone as boring as you!
NEIL: Look, can you guys stop hassling each other? I'm getting really bored with it, alright?
RICK: Oh, dear me! Poor old Neil's getting bored! The most boring person in the whole world is finally getting a taste of his own medicine!
MIKE: Alright, I think we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation here. It's time to extend our vocabulary.
NEIL: Alright, Mike. All I said was that I was getting bored.
VYVYAN: Yes, we heard what you said and it was very boring!
MIKE: Vyv, I thought we decided...
VYVYAN: Yes, YOU decided, Michael!
RICK: Guys! Guys! Look at us! Squabbling! Bickering, like children. What's happened to us? We never used to be like this!
VYVYAN: Yes, we did.
MIKE: Yeah, he's right, Rick. We've always been like this.
RICK: Yes, I know. But that's just exactly my point! Nothing ever changes! Nothing ever happens to us!
VYVYAN: Monopoly?
RICK: [sighs] Yes. [fade to Mike, Vyvyan, and Rick playing Monopoly on the drawing room floor. Mike is moving his piece]
RICK: Ha ha, Mike! Landed on Old Kent Road. That's mine! Rent! Come on! Pay up, now!
MIKE: Alright, I think the Mike Exchecker can handle a debt of four pounds.
RICK: Yes! [Snatches money from Mike] Hey, wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real?
VYVYAN: That is the single most predictable and boring thing that anyone could say whilst playing Monopoly!
RICK: Well, what about 'Vyvyan'? I could say, 'Vyvyan', couldn't I? I think that's boring!
VYVYAN: [take card from game board] 'You have won second prize in a beauty contest!'
RICK: Ha ha ha! [prepares to roll dice]
VYVYAN: 'Smash Rick over the head with the bank!' [Vyvyan takes money bank and hit Rick with it]
RICK: It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!
VYVYAN: Mike? [hands Mike the card] MIKE: [reads] No, he's right, Rick. That's exactly what it says.
RICK: In biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!
VYVYAN: But we had to change the rules because Monopoly is so boring!
RICK: [reads a card] 'Congratulations! It is your birthday! You may set fire to Rick's bed!'
Good one!
RICK: [reads another card] 'Get out of Jail free! You may keep this card, sell it, or stick it up Rick's bottom!'
VYVYAN, YOU'VE RUINED THE GAME!
VYVYAN: I WAS BORED!
MIKE: Yeah, well that's nothing! Neil got so bored he's gone to the garden to kill himself, and it's his go!
[Fade to outside garden. Neil is digging]
NEIL: [looks at spade] You're a spade! [to camera] I always call him that. [looks out, pondering]
From Monopoly to the grave, the most interesting thing that happens to me is sneezing.
I wish I was Magnus Magnuson! [returns to digging]
MIKE: [from inside the house]Hey, Neil! Sitting around a Monopoly board may be a great way of spending Christmas, but I don't want to wait that long!
NEIL: Oh, no. It's alright, Mike, I'm just digging a grave. I don't think I'm gonna kill myself today, actually. But, uh, it's just in case, you know?
[sticks his spade in the ground. Cut to underground world. The spade pokes in from the top.
The world is full of excitement: jugglers, fire eaters, and the like. At the center is a King and Queen, looking extremely bored]
KING: You know, living in a world where nothing boring ever happens can be a real pisser. [Minion, a servant, enters]
MINION: Sire, the men in the time machine has ust returned with the actual video of the birth of Christ. Would you care to...
KING: Not now, Minion!
MINION: Also, next door, The Rolling Stones are making a new album while two hippopotamus make love underneath the theater!
QUEEN: [pokes a bug on her chest with a needle] The King is bored shitless with interesting things, Minion, and so am I. [eats bug]
KING: What I want is to meet someone who is totally and utterly mind numbingly boring! But I suppose I never will.
[cut back to house. Mike and Rick are at the table, Vyvyan is on the couch. Neil enters]
NEIL: I suppose it's because I'm so mind numbingly boring that I never get to meet any interesting people.
RICK: Oh, so you've decided to come in now, have you, Neil? Well, we finished playing Monopoly now, and you lost!
NEIL: Oh! I'm amazed I lost it as much as I did. [Knock at the door]
MIKE: There's someone at the door, Rick.
RICK: Someone at the door, Vyvyan.
VYVYAN: Someone at the door, Neil.
NEIL: There's someone at the door, Mike.
MIKE: I know! [knock at the door] There's someone at the door, Rick!
RICK: There's someone at the door, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN: There's someone at the door, Mike!
NEIL: There's someone at the door, Neil?
MIKE: Well, don't look at me. I'm in Paris.
VYVYAN: You haven't left the house all day!
MIKE: Vyvyan, you ever heard of cloning?
VYVYAN: [thinks] No!
MIKE: Oh, that's good! Would you swear to that?
VYVYAN: Certainly, if that's what you want. [runs over and looks directly at Mike] Big Jobs!
[Vyvyan tries to sit down at the table, but sits on Rick's feet. Rick screams in pain and yanks his legs away.
Vyvyan sits down. Knock at the door. Rick groans in frustration]
NEIL: Hey! Hey, guys! Great Idea. Why don't we, right, decide whose going to answer the door, right?
And then that person can go and answer it, right? [Vyvyan yawns]
And then, and then find out who it is and who they want to see, right? [Rick bursts into tears]
And then, like, come back in here and tell whoever it is that there's somebody who wants to see them, yeah?
MIKE: Neil, do me a favor.
NEIL: What?
MIKE: Die!
NEIL: So I suppose I have to go and answer it myself, as usual!
[front door comes flying through. Billy Balowski enters with a bike. He passes Neil, who doesn't even see him]
BILLY: Alright, somebody call a taxi? [Rick cries some more]
MIKE: Billy Balowski. Yes, and who needs pleasure? Hello, Billy. [waves to Billy. Billy waves back] How are the trees?
BILLY: Who called a taxi?
MIKE: What do you want, Billy? You got a message from Mr. Balowski?
BILLY: I'm Mr. Balowski!
MIKE: No no no, your bother, Jerzei. You got a message from him?
BILLY: Got a piece of paper. [takes out paper] Whoever called a taxi, they can have the message!
RICK: [stops crying] Alright! Alright, I called a taxi.
BILLY: Okee dokee, Skip! Where do you wanna go?
RICK: I don't want to go anywhere!
BILLY: Then what the bloody Hell did you call a taxi for then? I had to come all the way from Brazil for this.
You stop me having me wages, you know how much a taxi driver earns? I can't even afford to buy new showlaces!
RICK: Well it's a good job you're not a taxi driver then, isn't it?
BILLY: Good job I'm wearing Wellingtons!
VYVYAN: Look! Just give us the note!
BILLY: I'm thirsty! MIKE: It's in the cupboard. [Billy flaunts the paper at Vyvyan as he opens the cupboard.He takes out a goldfish bowl and starts drinking]
MIKE: Oh, no. Not the goldfish! [cut to inside of Billy's stomach. There is a goldfish and a potato swimming]
GOLDFISH: Ahem, don't worry, goldfish everywhere. I am in fact a stunt goldfish. In fact, by the time this program comes out,
I will be doing the new James Bond film. So, there's no need to write in.
POTATO: Sure, they never read the letters anyway! [cut back to kitchen. Billy finishes drinking, pats his stomach, and belches. He then waddles over to a potted cactus]
BILLY: [to cactus] Oh, hello, pussycat! It's your Uncle Billy. Here! What you doin in a bucket?
[takes cactus out and sticks it in his coat like an extra limb] Come on, everybody, let's play Daleks! [runs in circles miming a Dalek]
Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! [takes cactus out and places it next to his rear] 'Ere, 'ere, look! What am I now?
What am I now? Come on, Quick quick quick quick quick! What am I now?
MIKE: A pain in the arse?
BILLY: No, I'm a hairbrush, dobs! Ok, let's try another one! Let's try another one! [takes cactus and places it on chair. He then puts his arms over his head]
Here we are. What am I now? What am I now? Come on!
RICK: Clinically insane!
BILLY: Nope, 'Little House on the Prarie!' Hee hee hee hee!
MIKE: Billy?
BILLY: Sir Billy!
MIKE: [groans] SIR Billy.
VYVYAN: Look, why don't you just go away?
BILLY: Because I got a message for you!
VYVYAN: THEN GIVE IT TO US!
BILLY: Oh, doesn't he get excited! [Vyvyan screams] Right! Here we are. This is the message, I shall read it to you.
[pulls out a string of alarm clocks from his pocket] Are we ready, clocks? Right, here we...Hang on! There's no words on this!
Oh, I think they must have fallen off somewhere. [Turns paper over] Oh! No, it's alright! There on the other side. That's okay, right! 'Dear...'
[Rick snatches message from Billy's hand]
RICK: Finders keepers, losers weepers. [snort]
MIKE: Rick! [Rick hands Mike the message]
ALEXEI: I've not always been mad, you know. But, um, I was actually driven mad by the indifference of architectual and council planning.
You see, I live in a tower block, and um, the thing about those is there is terrible noise problems because there's no noise insulation at all, you know,
and eight floors below you there's always some bastard with a Yamaha home organ, you know. You're just about to go to sleep and you hear this [makes organ noises]
'ROLL OUT THE BARREL' [makes organ noises]. And, like, the people upstairs, I can't understand what they're doing, you know.
I listen, and all I can hear is this weird noise and goes, 'VROOM! VROOM! BLAM-BLAM! VROOM! VROOM! BLAM-BLAM!'
It sounds, right, it sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round and round, while a seal bangs a kipper on the table.
I went upstairs to complain, and the door was answered by this elephant in a crash helmet! Standing behind him is this seal going [miming hitting something repeatedly]
'What is it now, Ralph?' I don't know, something just cracked inside and I starting thinking I was a piece of sponge. I jsut started to get very depressed...
[Billy leaves. The others look at Mike]
VYVYAN: What does the note say, Mike?
MIKE: 'Dear boys, Don't let Billy near the goldfish bowl. Your friend and landlord, Jerzei Balowski.'
[Mike crumples up message and tosses it away. Neil re-enters]
NEIL: There's no one there!
RICK: God, how boring! [yawns. camera zooms into Rick's open mouth]
VOICE: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE, AND I BRING YOU...
[cut to another open mouth. This mouth is screaming. cut back to see a small room in hell. A tourured soul is tied to a pole with headphones on.
Two demons, Futumch and Ordo, are torturing him.]
SOUL: [Futumch removes headphones form Soul's head] Ow!
FUTUMCH: Would Mr. Sorbers like some cake?
SOUL: Oh, yes, please.
FUTUMCH: [points to cake next to soul] There we are, then.
SOUL: Oh! [tries to eat cake but its too far from his mouth]
FUTUMCH: That looks nice, doesn't it?
SOUL: Yes, thank you! [tries again]
FUTUMCH: Is something wrong?
SOUL: Well, I can't reach it.
FUTUMCH: He can't reach it! [laughs] No problem! [Orgo turns a switch, and the cake hits Soul in the face. The demons laugh]
FUTUMCH: Oh dear! We spilt it!
ORGO: Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
FUTUMCH: Who's a naughty boy? We'll have to get that cleaned up. 'Ere, Orgo?
ORGO: Yes, Futmer?
FUTUMCH: FUTUMCH! [hits Soul]
SOUL: Futumch!
FUTUMCH: 'Ere, pass me that can of Lager. [Orgo does so. Futumch shakes the can] We'll soon have it all cleaned up! [opens can snd squirts Soul in the face] Brillo pad!
SOUL: Oh, no! Please, no! Oh, no! Oh! [the demons scrape Soul's face with the pads]
FUTUMCH: Let's give him some Barry Manilow! [Orgo turns a switch as Futumch puts the headphones back on. Soul screams in agony] He really gets off on Barry! Here, Orgo?
[Soul stops screaming and just stares off in pain] Any news of your promotion?
ORGO: Oh, yeah! I only got another ten sould to collect and I'm eligable for a nice cushy job. Mind you, it's taken me five milennia to get this far,
cause no one sends you up to Earth with a name like Orgo. I mean they don't say 'Orgo' by accidnet! [Soul screams again]
ORGO: Oh, is it not loud enough for you? [turns up the volume]
FUTUMCH: Well, it's sure a hymn of a chance. I mean, someone might say, 'Shall we go shopping,
ORGO to the cimena!'
ORGO: Oh!
FUTUMCH: Or they could say, 'Shall we go shopping,
ORGO BLBLBLBLBLBLBL?' But no one every says my name! No one ever says 'Futumch!' Why couldn't I be called 'William?'
ORGO: I don't know.
FUTUMCH: Here! Look at this! [punches Soul in the nose, causing a nose bleed. Soul screams] What's that?
ORGO: I don't know!
FUTUMCH: 'Bloody Hell!' [the demons laugh. Cut back to house. Mike, Neil, and Vyvan are on the sofa watching the TV. Rick is in the hallway looking upset]
RICK: Bloody Hell! There's no room for me on the sofa, as usual! I'll have to sit on the rickety chair! [thinks] Right! [Walks over to the TV] Oh, goody goody gumdrops!
Just in time to watch 'Oh Crickey!' on ITV! [changes channel on TV. The others look at him]
NEIL: Oh, Rick! We were watching 'Bastard Squad!'
RICK: Oh, were you? Well, get up and change it back, I don't mind.
NEIL: [starts to get up, then realizes] Oh! Um, no! I've hurt my back! [sits back down]
RICK: Oh, what a shame! [cut to Oh Crickey program. A man and lady are playing around on the couch. The doorbell rings]
LADY: Oh! That must be the vicar! Go answer the door, darling!
MAN: Why can't you?
LADY: I have my apron on! [They laugh hysterically]
LADY: I know, I'll go to the kitchin and take it off while you answer the door!
MAN: Right. [She exits. Man answers the door. A dog enters the room]
MAN: No, Bipo! [the man's trousers fall down to his ankles] Oh, dear. My trousers have fallen down and the dog's in the sitting room!
Lucky the Vicar didn't see...[pulls his pands up and chases the dog around the couch.
He finally manages to catch up to the dog and drops to the floor in an attempt to calm the dog down.
The vicar and lady enter and stare at the man in shock]
VICAR: [to camera] Oh, crickey!
LADY: [to camera] Oh, crickey!
MAN: [his pants are back around his ankles and the dog is between his legs] I can explain! [looks at camera] Oh, crickey!
[Vyvyan gets up and switches the channel back. Rick quickly leaps on the couch]
RICK: Ha ha, fooled you! Thought you'd been really clever, but you fell right into my trap! Now you can sit on the rickety chair!
VYVYAN: Oh, yeah?
RICK: Oh, yeah! [Vyvyan shoves Rick off the couch and sits back down. Rick pokes his head up from behind the couch]
I'll just sit back here if it's alright with you lot, then? Not bothering you at all, am I, Mike?
VYVYAN: This is my favorite program! It would just be typical if it was interruppted... [the program stops and a test pattern comes on with voice over. The boys groan]
VOICE: We interrupt tonight's scheduled program, "The Bastard Squad", to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of a seige which is now underway in North London.
We join BBC's reporter, Dan Prick, on the spot. Dan. [cut to outside the boys' house. A swat team in out there, along with a newscaster]
DAN: A man, believed to be a lunatic foreign terrorist, one of those greaseball raving reds who seem to crop up everywhere since we
stopped running the world, is now taking refuge in an insanitary slum dwelling in North London.
The sort of plase where you normally get squatters anyway. A police and army seige is now underway. [cut to inside house. Rick stands up and sits on rickety chair]
RICK: Oh, Christ! Boring! Look, now we get a shot of a street for the next three hours! Nothing ever happens in these things!]
Well, if it does happen, we don't get to see it! [Cut to TV picture]
DAN: Yes, it looks as though something is happening now! The police and army are moving in. [cut back to house. An arab comes in with a gun]
RICK: Right on! Rue Britannia! Tiny figure at the back jumps over a fence. Rue Britannia! [Arab fires]
RICK: They're dubbing that sound on! That's never real! [members of the swat team grab the Arab while another wheels in a missile and launcher.
During this, a live hand grenade falls in the cooking pot]
NEIL: Isn't that your car, Vyv?
VYVYAN: No, mine's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the sides.
NEIL: But that's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the sides!
VYVYAN: Yeah, but it's not mine, is it? [the men fire the missle which hits the Arab. The Arab screams as a blast of light fills the room.
The only thing left remaining of the Arab is his arms. The swat team leaves as Vyvyan waves the air away] God, that was a loud one!
RICK: Look, is anybody watching this? [cut to TV picture]
NEWSCASTER: Well, that's it. We're sorry we couldn't show you 'The Bastard Squad', but at least we got the mad coon with the gun, eh?
[cut to house. Rick gets up and switches off the TV. He turns around and looks angrily at the chair, then sits down. silence]
NEIL: Hey, guys! Why don't we eat? Yes, eat! [runs to kitchen and grabs utensils] I wonder how many lentils I've ever eaten in my entire life?
VYVYAN: [thinks] Four!
NEIL: No, More than four, Vyv. Lentils are really good, you know? you know. No matter how much eat they never get boring!
[the grenade in the pot explodes, sending the food everywhere]
RICK: Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown up our tea!
NEIL: But I didn't do it on purpose, Rick!
RICK: And we paid for that! 15 pence, come on, play up! Now!
NEIL: But, I haven't collected this weeks money yet!
RICK: Well, that's herdly the point, is it?
NEIL: But it was an accident, Rick! [sobs] I just looked at it and it blew up, Rick! But there's still some on the walls!
Maybe we can save some of that. Get some portions together for supper, then.
[Neil scrapes some food off the walls with a spoon, then goes to the kitchen and tries tidying up.
In clearing a place, he crushes the stick of butter with another plate]
MIKE: Let's do something, we're bored stupid! [walks to kitcken]
VYVYAN: Ha ha! Rick didn't have far to go, did he?
RICK: I just new you were going to say that!
VYVYAN: That's a complete lie, you poof!
RICK: I knew you were going to say that, too!
[Vyvyan hits Rick over the head with the bottle he was holding. Rick falls out of the chair]
VYVYAN: You didn't know I was going to do that, did you?
RICK: Alright, Vyvyan, no. I didn't know that!
VYVYAN: Ha ha!
MIKE: We're bored stupid and now we've got nothing to eat! I think the time has come for us to go down to the pub!
[cut to kitchen plate. The carrot is looking at the crushed stick of butter]
BUTTER: [weakly] Darling carrot? Could you ever love a cripple?
CARROT: No, I don't think so! [cut to Madness performing 'House of Fun' inside of a pub. The following is clipped in during the boy's walk to the Kebab and Calculator]
[parody cut of the Beatles' Abbey Road album cover]
NEIL: I'll tell you somewhere else I've never been.
RICK: Where?
NEIL: Down! [a robber drags an elderly lady away]
NEIL: So, where are we going?
MIKE: Down to 'Kebabs'!
VYVYAN: Donna Kebab? I've already eaten!
RICK: Oh, shut up! [they pass a tent with a sign reading 'FREE MONEY AND SEX' with a hand motioning them to go in.
They pass by and don't even notice] [Madness finishes as the boys enter the pub. They walk up and chat with the band.]
MIKE: Is there a band on tonight?
MADNESS: No, no!
NEIL: Why not? [MADNESS give various reasons, the most heard one is Electricity]
NEIL: Heavy! Heavy!
RICK: Do any of you lot know 'Summer Holiday', by Cliff Richard?
SUGGS: You hum it, I'll smash your face in!
RICK: I'll just go sit over there!
VYVYAN: Embarassment! It's an embarassment! [they sit down at a table and fold their arms]
NEIL: Well, just as I expected! Totally boring!
RICK: Yes, the service is terrible too! WAITER! WAITER! [looks at bartender] You! Woman! [bartender gives Rick a two-fingered salute. Rick looks shocked]
VYVYAN: Look, it's alright, lads! I stole some money from Rick's bedroom this morning, so I'll get this. [walks to bar] Ah, what would you like, Rick?
RICK: Coffee please, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN: This is a pub, they don't do coffee!
RICK: In that case, I don't want anything then, thank you. I don't think it's really smart or clever to drink actually! I want to stay in control!
VYVYAN: Mike?
MIKE: Water, Vyvyan. In a stright glass.
VYVYAN: Uh-huh. Uh, Neil?
NEIL: Oh, just a bag of crisps please, Vyv. But, not meat flavored. Because I don't abuse my body in the world I live in.
VYVYAN: [to bartender] Okay, I want a pint of water in a straight glass, a bag of roast ox crisps, and mine's a babysham!
BARTENDER: Hello, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN: [realization] Oh! Hello, mum!
VYV'S MUM: Fancy seeing you here! I didn't know you lived in London!
VYVYAN: Yeah! Yeah! [thinks of something to talk about] How's dad?
VYV'S MUM: Oh, honestly, Vyvyan! I do wish you wouldn't ask that! You know I've absolutely no idea who he is! [prepares Vyvyan's order]
RICK: Well, Vyvyan! You never told us your mother was a bartender!
VYVYAN: Well, she was a shoplifter when I knew her!
NEIL: She doesn't look strong enough.
VYVYAN: Eh?
NEIL: To lift shops!
VYV'S MUM: [brings tray] That will be twenty-eight pound, fifty, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN: I only got a fiver!
VYV'S MUM: [snatches fiver and puts it down her shirt] I'll have the ring and the watch. [grabs ring and watch.
She then takes the tray to the table]Well, aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?
VYVYAN: Oh, yeah! This is a friend of mine called Mike. This is a friend of mine called Neil,
NEIL: Hello.
VYVYAN: And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick!
RICK: [laughs] He's only joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually teriffic friends!
VYV'S MUM: Ooh-ah! He is a bastard, isn't he?
RICK: Tell me, Mrs. Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
[Vyvyan shoves Rick out of the chair. Vyv's Mum kicks him as she walks over to Mike and Neil]
VYV'S MUM: Now, then. Why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the last ten years?
VYVYAN: Okay, Mum! [grabs his drink and walks over to his mum. She stares at him angrily]
VYV'S MUM: Not you, zitface! Him! [grabs Mike]\
MIKE: [as Vyv's Mum takes him away]Hey, Vyv! Vyv! [Vyvyan waves goodbye. Neil manages to open his bag of crisps. They fly everywhere]
NEIL: I knew I should have stayed at home! [Cut to outside the boys house. 'Teddy bear's Picnic' is being played. Goldilocks enters the house.
All the people from the first scene are back. She walks to the table. There are three bowls there.
She tastes the first bowl, then spits it back out. She tastes the second bowl, then spits it back out.
She tasted the third bowl...then spits it back out]
GOLDILOCKS: Ugh! Bloody hippie food! [goes up the stairs] [cut to pub. Rick, Neil, and Vyvyan are at the door.
Mike is still talking to Vyv's Mum]
RICK: Are you coming, Mike, or are you still talking to the old bag about your herpes?
[Vyv's Mum pulls her hands away from Mike]
MIKE: See ya, Mrs. Vyvyan. [Cut to outside of the pub. Rick, Vyvyan, and Neil are exiting]\
RICK: Well, it's perfectly simple, Neil. It's becasue you're conservative.
NEIL: Well I think pubs are bourgeois!
RICK: Out of the way! [Mike exits] Ready, Mike? [cut to two policemen standing outside a building]
POLICEMAN #1: Course, you see, I look at life like this. [stares off into space with his heaad tilted to one side]
POLICEMAN #2: Why's that? Problems?
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah, had a heavy hust-up this morning with my lady.
POLICEMAN #2: WPC?
POLICEMAN #1: No, I can't remember her name. Um, it's got a four in it, it's got a four 'cause I remember,
it was a round one like that. [makes drawing in air with his fist]
POLICEMAN #2: Has it got a tail?
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah.
POLICEMAN #2: That's a Q.
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah?
POLICEMAN #2: Yeah, pretty sure.
POLICEMAN #1: I've been going out with her for 'N years!
POLICEMAN #2: How long?
POLICEMAN #1: 'N years. I reckon if I played me cards right I could have, you know...[quickly jolts hist right knee to one side]
POLICEMAN #2: Kneed her in the groin?
POLICEMAN #1: No, the other one.
POLICEMAN #2: Slept with her.
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah.
POLICEMAN #2: Yeah.
POLICEMAN #1: I reckon I could have slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. But we had a row, and I said something about the Pope.
POLICEMAN #2: That's a bit stupid! You know she's Catholic.]
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah, I know she's Catholic. I didn't know the Pope was!
POLICEMAN #2: [chuckles] That's a laugh, eh? Ain't it?
POLICEMAN #1: What?
POLICEMAN #2: That sound you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.
POLICEMAN #1: Yeah, that's a laugh.
POLICEMAN #2: I thought so. [face to front of newspaper. The two policeman are in the front picture with the caption 'POLICE IQ SHOCKER'.
cut to show the boys are back at the house. Rick is reading the paper. Mike is cutting something out of the paper.
Neil is meditating on the floor. Vyvyan is fiddling with his left hand, which has six fingers]
RICK: Hey, get this! There are now more tin cans then there are people!
VYVYAN: Neil, do you want to see a great new trick? [cut to Rick reading the paper. Neil chants a mantra, ignoring Vyvyan]
VYVYAN: Uh, Mike? Do you want to see my new trick? MIKE: No, I'm busy with the paper!
VYVYAN: Rick? RICK: No, I don't! I've something more important to think about, actually!
VYVYAN: LOOK! WATCH MY TRICK, YOU BASTARDS OR I'LL KILL YOU! [takes knife and cuts a finger off, a stream of blood flies out]
BRILLIANT, EH? [takes a good look at his hand, then weakly plugs up the hole where the finger used to be] Oh, dear. Wrong finger!
[Vyvyan runs up the stairs in extreme pain. Neil reaches between his legs and pulls out Vyvyan's finger]
NEIL: Hey, Vyvyan? Vyvyan? I think you cut off one of your fingers!
RICK: Hey, get this! 'Under the new ruling, all a student needs for an increased grant is a numklpkgulfutumch from the local authority!'
NEIL: What was that?
RICK: a numklpkgulftumch.
Don't you ever read The Guardian, Neil?
NEIL: What's a futumch? [flash of light and smoke. Futumch appears. He looks around]
FUTUMCH: Now I got three minutes!
RICK: It doesn't seem to make any sense. [Rick suddenly stares] Neil? Have you just farted?
NEIL: [puts his head near his crotch] No, I don't think so, Rick.
RICK: Well, there's a horrible farty smell in here and it's definately not from my bottom!
[Futumch points a finger. Rick gets out of the chair just seconds before a chandlier falls on it]
FUTUMCH: Knickers! RICK: I'm going to the drawing room, this is worse than cattle's business!
[walks to sofa. Futumch throws a knife at Rick. It misses him just as Rick sits on sofa] Ahh, that's better!
FUTUMCH: Knackers!
NEIL: Was it you that farted, Mike?
MIKE: Who can tell, Neil? I'm a strange guy!
FUTUMCH: [grabs two live wires] I'll deal with that spotty herbert later! [walks to Neil, who has gone back to mediatating] Oh, look. A little girl! Meditate on this!
[Futumch jabs the two wired into Neil's head. Neil is electrovuted After a while, Futumch stops and takes the wires away from Neil's head]
NEIL: Hey! I've just had a great idea! Why don't we see a film? Yes. Film! Hey, Mike? Where's the local paper?
MIKE: At the local paper shop, where do you think it'd be?
NEIL: Right! [Futumch throws a skewer. cut to Neil talking to Rick. Neil has a skewer stuck in his head] Rick? I'm just going to the local paper shop, altight?
[Neil walks outside and pulls the skewer out]
NEIL: That's funny, I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head! [Neil tosses the skewer aside and walks off. Futumch comes out, flabbergasted]
FUTUMCH: I don't believe it! [cut to outside house. A car pulls up. Shot of person's legs getting out of the car.
Neil walks by and stares back as he continues walking. But to a black gloved hand ringing the boy's doorbell.
A policeman in dark sunglasses quickly runs up and puts his hand on the person's shoulder]
POLICEMAN: Ho ho ha ha ha! Gotcha, Mr. Sambo-darky-coon! I got your number, you're nicked!
MAN: [first shot of man's face. He is anglo-saxon, not african] Is there something the matter, officer?
POLICEMAN: Oh oh oh, don't we sound proper, Mr. Rasta's chocolate drop! Now, listen here, son. I should warn you, i've done a weekends training with the SAS!
I could pull both your arms off and leave no trace of violence! Lord Scarman need never know!
MAN: Look, what seems to be the trouble, officer? [rings doorbell again. Policeman grabs his hand]
POLICEMAN: That's white man's electricity you're burning ringing that doorbell. That's theft! I've got your number, so hold out your hand!
MAN: Officer, I represent Kellog's corflakes car competition!
[Man takes off his glove to retrieve a business card. Upon taking off his glove, the policeman quickly takes off his sunglasses and grabs the man's hand and stares it.
After a while he looks at man nervously]
POLICEMAN: Oh, sorry, John. I thought you was a nigger! Carry on! [quickly runs away. Futumch appears at the door]
MAN: Hey, kid! You just won a new Ford Tippex!
VOICE: Come in, Futumch, your time is up!
FUTUMCH: I think you got the wrong house! [Futumch produces a machine gun and blows the man away. They both disappear. Meanwhile, the policeman has gotten into the new car]
POLICEMAN: What a piece of luck! [drives away] [Neil comes back and enters the house. Rick is on the sofa with the paper over his head.
Vyvyan and Mike are at the table. Vyvyan is playing with his dismembered finger]
VYVYAN: God, what a boring day.
NEIL: I went to the local paper shop, but they didn't have a local paper!
MIKE: Well, they must not come from this area, Neil.
NEIL: Hey, guys? Tomorrow, right, why don't we, as just a suggesstion, why don't we try going into college? [Rick tightens up. Mike and Vyvyan look at Neil, shocked]
MIKE: Now, Neil! Things maybe tough but there's no need to panic! No, i'm just going to treat this problem like my mattress, and sleep on it!
Goodnight. [pan to night in the kitchen. Everyone from scene one are back. Three bears enter the kitchen and look at the bowls]
PAPA BEAR: Whose been gobbing in my lentils?
MAMA & BABY: Yes! Whose been gobbing in our lentils?
PAPA BEAR: Sod it! Let's go to McDonald's!
MAMA & BABY: Yes! [They leave. cut to shot of outside house. The bears skip down the road. Neil is sitting on his windowsil. Up above, a UFO is preparing to land]
THE END
