[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
I know it's been months since we last spoke, and I have no idea if this is of any interest to you, or if you have any materials to send, but, we just got a call for submissions for something very exciting, especially for you

[USHER, spoken]
Oh yeah? What is it?

[Chorus]
Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry!

[USHER, spoken]
Oh, no!

[Chorus]
Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry
Tyler Perry!

[THOUGHT]
Hell no!

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
It seems he's gotten so busy with film and TV that his team is looking to farm out the gospel plays to a ghostwriter. It'll be a scream! And didn't you once tell me that your mother would love nothing more than for you to write one? So, how 'bout it, Ush? Just write a sassy, matriarchal, lonely spinster who loves God. Throw in a few Color Purple quotes! Whaddya say?

[USHER]
Thank you for the opportunity...
[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
Of course! Of course

[USHER]
But Tyler would be none too fond of me

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
Don't sell yourself short!

[USHER]
The crap he puts on stage, film and TV
Makes my bile want to rise!

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
I know, I know, your "integrity."

[USHER]
Nothing that he writes seems real to me

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
Yes, you think he sucks, uh huh

[USHER]
Just simple-minded hack buffoonery!

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken]
But no theaters will touch you
[USHER]
And if I try to match his coonery
He'd see through my disguise

It's true, I'm still emerging
Looking to make my start
But not so hungry that I'd ride the chitlin circuit
I'm into entertainment
That's undercover art
My mission is to figure out just how to work it

Today...
Today, I plan to change this scene for the better-

(spoken)
Hello? Agent Fairweather? Are you there?

[ANCESTORS, spoken]
Race traitor!
Race traitor!
Race traitor!

[USHER, spoken]
"Race traitor?" Who's there?

[HARRIET TUBMAN, spoken]
I'm Harriet motherfuckin' Tubman, and I got a problem with you!
[CARTER G. WOODSON, spoken]
I'm Carter G. motherfuckin' Woodson, and I've got a problem with you, too!

[JAMES BALDWIN, spoken]
Jimmy Baldwin!

[ZORA NEALE HUSTON, spoken]
Zora Neale Huston!

[12 YEARS A SLAVE]
12 Years a Slave, here!

[WHITNEY HOUSTON, spoken]
Whitney!

[USHER, spoken]
What do you want with me?

[WHITNEY HOUSTON, spoken]
To get you together! Make me get my black ass up outta my $20 grave to put your black ass on blast, talkin' bad about Tyler Perry!

[ANCESTORS]
Who the fuck is you, n***a?
You look it, but you ain't no true n***a!
You make us ancestors blue
Actin' brand new
N***a, I can't with you!

Tyler is a real n***a
And not a cracker-pleasing seal, n***a!
He writes how our people feel
With him at the wheel
N***a, what can't we do?

Cause Tyler Perry writes real life!
Tyler Perry writes real life!
He writes stories we can swallow
Like Popeyes chicken and biscuits!
He writes stories we can follow
Like we follow the drinking gourd!
He writes stories 'bout fat, black women with weaves
Finding love and redemption
With muscle-bound black men who own their own business
And truly love the Lord
And truly love the Lord!

So, if you won't follow through, n***a
I'll SMDH at you, n***a

[WHITNEY]
Cause
And just as somebody
Trying to tell everybody
That you ain't nobody, n***a, so
Get off the stage
And let

[ANCESTORS]
Tyler Perry write real life
Cause Tyler Perry writes real life!