[USHER]
Writing a gospel play!
Writing a gospel play!
Writing a gospel play!
Cause that's what the people want!

(spoken)
Okay, show title: "Show Me How to Pray: A Spiritual, Urban Drama"

[THOUGHTS]
Jesus never fails
As long as you keep prayin’!
Jesus never fails
You think my ass is playin'?

(As USHER writes, he acts out each of the characters in the Gospel Play)

[USHER, spoken]
"Shaneatha! Michele! I done made some tater salad! Come on now, I done put my foot in this!"
"Uh-uh, Aunt Patty! I love me some tater salad, and I'm hungry as hizz-ell!"
"Your fast behind ain’t hungry for nothin' but a crack rock and a stripper pole, girl, go wash your hand!"
"Aunt Patty, only Gawd can judge me, and He seemed quite impressed, so don't come for me - ha ha ha ha! - unless I twirl for you!"
"Chele, what wrong baby? You ain't eatin' up your tater salad!"
"Oh, Aunt Patty, how can I eat tater salad when there's no ring on my finger?"
"Michele, girl, you better forget about that ring and learn to drop it like it's hot ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga!"
"Fix it, Jesus!"
"I did everything I was supposed to. I stayed in school, I kept my legs closed, I was faithful and paid my tithes and offering, 'cause Mark 12 and 17 says, ’Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, and render unto Gawd what is Gawd's.’"
"Gawd said, 'Bitch better have my money right here!'"
"Girl, if you don't sat down, I’mma pop you in the face with one of my world famous Patty Pies!"
"Did somebody say Patty Pie? Cause I'm hungry as hizz-ell!"
"I wore flesh-colored stockings, I got a perm, then a wig that I put on top of that perm as a protective style! I became a high-powered vice president of a bank! But I'm still so, so lonely!"
"Oh baby, rest your head on Aunt Patty bosom!"
"When is it my turn to walk into a room and say 'I's married now, Miss Celie'?"
"Welp. Have you prayed?"
"I get down on my black knees every night!"
"I know what I do down on my black knees, girl!"
(USHER loudly acts out a blowjob)

[AUNT PATTY, spoken]
"Well, if you gettin' down on your knees, and the Lord ain't blessin' you the way you think He ought to..."

(sung)
Then maybe you don't know how to pray!
Maybe you don't know how to pray!
In times like these
You gotta get down on your knees
And ask Him for the words you should say!

(spoken)
"And I know you feel like your cousin Shaneatha doin' better than you cause she be out there prostituting herself to all these men who be touching her on the vagina! And I know you feel like your cousin Shereé doin' better than you cause she got the money to build herself a chateau in Atlanta! But remember, Proverbs 31 and 10 says, 'Who can find a virtuous woman, for her price is far above rubies!' So keep your knees bent in prayer, and the Lord Thy God will send you a lightskin man with no education who'll put you in the split-level mansion of your dreams, Chele!"

[MICHELLE & AUNT PATTY]
Aunt Patty, all I really want is a ring
Maybe the Devil got your ass in a sling! (Ga-ga-ga-ga!)
On days like these, it's like you're up on the trapeze
And you-

(USHER suddenly stops writing)

[USHER]
-Don't know what these stupid, paper-doll characters should sing!
[THOUGHTS]
Jesus never fails!