Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
On that yolly holiday
I’ll go in the red like a knucklehead
Cuz I'll squander all my pay

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
Shopping sure drives me berserk
On the day before, I rush in a store
Like a pure bewildered yerk

I look at nightgowns for my wife
Those black ones trimmed in red
But I won’t know her size and so
She'll get a carpet sweeper instead

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
When each kid hangs up his sock
It's a time for kids to flip their lids
While their papa goes in hock

On the night before Christmas
It's still in the house
My family is sleeping
So I'm quiet like a mouse

I look at my watch and midnight is near
I think I'll sneak off for a cold glass of beer
Down at the corner, the crowd is so merry
I end up by drinking about 12 Tom & Yerry
I get to bed late and gee whiz how I'm sleeping
When on to my bed those darn kids they come leaping
They sit on my face and they yump on my belly
And I'm quivering all over like a bowl full of yelly

They scream Merry Christmas, and my poor wife and me
We stumble downstairs and she lights up the tree
My head is exploding, my mouth tastes like a pickle
I step on a skate and fall on a tricycle

Yust before Christmas dinner, I relax to a point
Then relatives start swarming all over the yoint
On Christmas, I hug and I kiss my wife's mother
The rest of the year we don't speak to each other

After dinner, my Aunt and my wife's Uncle Louie
Get into an argument; they're both awful screwy
Then all my wife's family say Louie is right
And my goofy relations, they yoin in the fight

Back in the corner, the radio is playing
And over the racket Gabriel Heater is saying
"Peace on earth everybody and good will toward men"
And yust at that moment, someone slugs Uncle Ben

They all run outside whooping so the neighbors will hear
Oh, I'm so glad Merry Christmas comes yust once a year
Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
But I still have lots of fun
Yust the same as you, I enyoy it too
Merry Christmas, everyone!