[Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson]
Ladies and gentlemen
Live from the Reagan Library
Your 2020 Republican
Presidential debates!
The challengers...

Standing at 5'9"
The illest congressman from Illinois
The talk show terrorizer
Rapper on the right
Who's right of the right...
Joe Walsh!

Standing at 6'4"
Former governer of Massachusetts
A weapon of mass destruction
Reagan's regulator
He's rapper on the left
But he's the center of attention...
Billy Wеld!

Standing at 6'3"
243 pounds
The tiny-hand assassin
The orange ovеrseer
Your current king...
Donald Trump!
Let's begin with opening statements
Each candidate will have ten seconds
Bill!

[William "Billy" Weld]
The name's Weld
Card-carrying libertarian
I came from Mass
To start burying totalitarians
Under Reagan
I ran the criminal division
I can get rid of Trump
Just like I did Richard Nixon

[William "Joe" Walsh]
Tea Party representer
Joe Walsh is here tonight
Not to challenge from the center
I came to challenge from the right
I sent some tweets
And did some things
That could have been avoided
I helped create Trump
So I'm the one to help destroy him

[The Rock]
Here's Donny!
[Donald Trump]
The Rock
Huge fan
Now that's a beautiful handshake
And for you two bozos
Listen up

Blah blah blah
You all supported that MAGA sh**
You'll only last a few months
Like my Cabinet
You're taking down your president
Off a few rumors?
You're all fake news
And you're all huge losers

[The Rock]
Time! Classic Trump
Gentlemen, you each have
30 seconds to fire back

[Weld]
All you do is eat, tweet
And engage in treason
I’ll unite both sides
They call me Weld for a reason
Fiscally, you’re not Republican at all
Your economics
Haven’t gotten off the ground
It’s like your wall
Yeah, I support gay marriage
Weed, and abortion
You support big spending
Large debt, and extortion
I helped get rid of Nixon
Before his term expired
Send you back to the Apprentice
Like Trump, you’re fired
[Walsh]
Trump’s a treasonous coward
Engage in some honesty
Demands from Putin
You put in our democracy
Donny, you’ve been impeached
And indicted for crimes
You were so scared of Biden
Now you’re biding your time
Encouraged interference back in 2016
I’m starting to think
You’re playing for the other team
We need a referee
Before we stoop any lower
And Joe Walsh is your guy
I’m the whistleblower

[The Rock]
Hey!
No one touches the whistle
Do it again, I crush you

And he’s back
Taking a Twitter break
To share a few words

[Trump]
Mr. Walsh
Suddenly you think that you’re better?
Come on
We used to be racist
On Twitter together
This Ukraine stuff’s fake news
I can’t even believe
You turned your back on your party
That’s treason to me

Mr. Weld, you’re a bore
Why do I have to do this?
You’re a governor from where?
Well, I don’t give a mass of two sh**s
Gay rights and abortion?
Your words are backwards
In the right lighting
I thought you were Bernie Sanders

[The Rock]
Donald, that…
That is Bernie Sanders

Okay
If our voters had to take away
One thing from your campaigns
What would it be?

[Weld]
Trump trashes everything around him
Trillion dollar debt
Every single year, y’all
Cash rules everything around me
C.R.E.A.M. get the money
You gotta vote for bill, y’all

[Trump]
I brought jobs back
Prepared the deals
The news is fake
My hair is real
The haters talk
I drained the swamp
America’s great again
Say it’s not

[Walsh]
Walsh 2020
Do not get Trumped
He’s a treasonous traitor
Who’s gone corrupt
We can’t take four more years
The party’s stuck
He’s had us grid-locked
It’s time to lock him up

[The Rock]
Now we’re gonna take some
Questions from the audience
Our first comes from Jenny from Iowa

[Jenny from Iowa]
I’m worried about immigration
How it’s changing our country
Taking our jobs is the same
As taking our money
I think it hurts low income families
And affects the economy
So we all want to know
What’s your immigration policy?

[Trump]
The immigrants
We all know who they are
Some are nice people
But most of them aren’t
We need to keep them out
So we’re building a wall
I’ll make Mexico pay
We had a perfect call

[Walsh]
As far as his policy
We’re getting misled
He promised a wall
It seems he hit one instead
I’ll be more effective
While the president milks
Taxpayers for a wall
That never gets built

[Weld]
Apples came here from Asia
What that implies
Is immigration’s as
American as apple pie
Our economy wins
When we share with our neighbor
Dare I say
Immigration makes America greater

[The Rock]
Next question
We have Beth from Nebraska

[Beth from Nebraska]
All these libs
Worried about the Soviets
I’m worried about our own
Trying turn us into socialists
Who will keep ‘em out of power?
Here’s a warning
If it’s Bernie or Warren
Then surely we’re warring!

[Trump]
The left can’t handle
The way I win so winningly
We’ve done more winning
Than anyone in history
Look, no one thought I could beat Hillary
The current candidates
Are just a casual killing spree

[Weld]
This Republican governor
From Massachusetts can win
I’ve worked with Democrats
To reduce what we spend
Passed conservative policies
All to lucrative ends
Like cutting taxes
And I can do it again

[Walsh]
Think he’s beating the left?
That’s erroneous
More like being the left
He’s already half a socialist
Huge deficits and trade wars
I’m against strongly
King Donald makes Obama
Look like Mitt Romney

[The Rock]
Mr. Weld
You’ve been critical
Of your opponents
As leaders
Care to expand?

[Weld]
Trump insulted Gold Star soldiers
Who fought in Iraq
Mentally handicapped people
With his arms out of whack
Jews and black people
Now the Nazis are back
We need a leader who can
Actually talk with some tact

[Walsh]
Off with his hat
Trump, where’s your records at?
In 2001
You were a registered Democrat
You’re just Republican for fame
And the worldwide news
I’m right-wing
With the right wings
And a bird’s-eye view

[Trump]
Fake news!

[The Rock]
Whoa there, Donny
You’re out of your element
Fact check
You were a registered Democrat
Don’t try to pull that sh** on the Rock

[Trump]
Whatever…
My accomplishments
Are unprecedented
That’s why they want me impeached
And unpresidented
Quit both your campaigns
And leave me alone
Send these Jon Snows to the wall
This is my throne

[The Rock]
Okay, I’m getting the
Wrap-up signal from the network
Lightning round
10 seconds each
For your final closing statement
Donny!

[Trump]
Check it, Dwayne
Ever since I put an end
To Hillary’s plan
The economy is up
By a trillion grand
I said “make America great”
And it is again
I’m not a businessman
I’m a business, man

[Weld]
I bring issues in the light
While they’re choosing to fight
Ambidextrous
Work with the left
Make moves for the right
In these divided times
We need to work the center
Cause right now
America’s deserving better

[Walsh]
He’s a child, not a chief
Who thinks Trump is commanding?
You’re only here because of obstruction
And Russian enhancing
Enough with the lies
Enough with the ranting
Vote for Joe Walsh
The last Republican standing

[The Rock]
All right
That is all for our Republican primaries
And it’s not clear we have a winner

[Farmers on tractor behind the Rock]
The Rock has my vote!
I’m gonna write him in!

[The Rock]
Whoever you do decide
Whatever you do
Make sure to vote
That’s why we’re here, people

[Trump]
This debate never happened, never will
This debate is fake debate
Didn’t happen