The fact is we don't really have a cultural protocol for
What to do when we lose a loved one
You have to basically make up that protocol
First thing is you already know it's going to be wretched
And you're not going to escape it
That pain the pain that is going to come
Is going to come in waves
At first you won't even notice that they're waves
Because all the waves are going to be so close together
They're going to be so continual
Right on top of each other
And the pain and the sadness is gonna feel like it's so heavy
It's going to feel like you are drowning in sorrow
Like you're not getting any air and like you're not
Going to be able to escape that sadness
And then at some point there's going to be a little break
Someone will be a light in the darkness
Something is gonna make you smile
Something is gonna make you laugh
Something is just gonna show you a little bit of light
Little bit of light
And then another wave of pain is gonna come back again
And you won't have any control of it
And that's scary
We get used to as adults hey we can kinda get control of things
And all of a sudden you're not gonna have control
It's gonna hit you and you're gonna feel it
But like a wave in the ocean
That is eventually going to subside again
And you'll see a little bit of light
And you'll feel it for a second
Another wave is gonna hit you
You're going to be sitting there
And all of a sudden you're going to be crying
That's what's gonna happen
The mercy of this ocean of sorrow
But don't let that scare you
Because I'm telling you
That wave is going to subside again and
This is going to go on
And the waves they will become weaker
This doesn't mean that you love your child
Any less or that you aren't crushed at their passing
It just means that you are starting to be able
To deal with it
Which is what you're supposed to do
And as the waves get weaker
They will also appear less frequently
And again, that's ok
It doesn't mean that you don't think you're [?] at times
It just means that it's being dealt with
And while this is happening
While the storm waves start to come a little bit
What you can do is row the boat
You can row the boat
What I mean by that is start doing things productive
To get your mind forward
Let's do something productive
Let's sort out the drawers, the bedroom
Let's vacuum, let's finish the project
Let's do something productive
And if there's something that distracts you
That's fine, do it
Let there be some calm in the water
As the calm, calms
Also you're going to find moments where it's like
You're going to find things that are gonna
Bring on the waves and that's ok too
Bring on the waves, go look at the pictures
Down the memories, read the memories
Read the notes, read the emails, remember
And then there's that standard service
They're gonna do the memorial and do the burial
And when that's over, let a little bit more time go by
Give yourself another week of washing around
Of feeling sorry
Of letting the waves toss you around in the ocean
After that week what you do is you go and you
Write a letter to your child and explain to them
Explain to them how much they meant to you
Explain to them how heartbroken you are that
They are gone and then explain to them why
You are going to carry on
Why you are going to keep going with them in your heart
Explain to them you're not going to dwell in their loss
And explain to them how you have learned without
A shred of doubt how truly precious life is
And that they have taught you the immeasurable value
Of your own life, and your wife's life, and your family's life
And explain to them that you know
That you know they loved you and you know that they
Would want more than anything for you to be happy
And productive and impactful in the world
And explain in that letter what you will do
To make them proud of how you live your life
And then take that letter and go to their grave
And read it to them and cry
And kiss their soul and tell them that you'll see them
On the other side and then go live your life
Those waves are still going to come
And there's still going to be pain
And there's still going to be sorrow
But you go and live your life
And live it well and make them proud