[CORA, spoken]
Dr. Hapgood, I want you to meet my Town Council: Controller Schub, Treasurer Cooley, and Chief of Police Magruder. Gentlemen, this dazzling doctor is going to solve our problem, and find out which of the people on this line are sane, and which are not. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
How are you going to do it, Dr. Hapgood?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Well, I'm going to example them according to the principles of logic. 

[CORA, spoken]
Logic?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Yes. 

Grass is green
Sky is blue
False is false
And true is true
Who is who?
You are you, I'm me!
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-C
Simple as one-two-three

[SCHUB, spoken]
But doctor, which on that line is what?
[HAPGOOD]
One is one
Two is two
Who is what
And which is who?
No one's always
What they seem to be

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Uh, for instance, you sir, third from the left, with the manly good looks. Will you come forward please, Mr. Hapgood?

[SCHUB, spoken]
I thought your name was Hapgood, Doctor. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Well, calling the patient by my name, he identifies with me immediately. We have an instant transference and thereby save five years of psychoanalysis. 

[CORA, spoken]
Brilliant!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Now then, Mr. Hapgood—

[GEORGE, spoken]
Oh, just call me Happy, sir. Or George. 
[HAPGOOD, spoken]
All right, George. 

[GEORGE, spoken]
Thank you, George. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Thank you. Now then, George, when we were a child, a boy—you were a boy?

[GEORGE, spoken]
I was a manly little fellow, sir. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Then I'm sure there was a saying you learned that you have used ever since to govern your life? A, a motto, a watchcry!

[GEORGE, spoken]
A watchcry. Yes, sir. 
(sung)
"I am the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul"

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Good, Hapgood! Now then: married?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir. 
[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Two children?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Two TV sets?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Two martinis?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Bank on Friday?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Golf on Saturday?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Church on Sunday?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Do you vote?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Yes, sir. 
(sung)
Only for the man who wins
Only for the man who wins
Only for the man who—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
All right. Headaches?

[GEORGE, spoken]
No, sir. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Backaches?

[GEORGE, spoken]
No, sir. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Heartaches?

[GEORGE, spoken]
No, sir. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Thank you, Hapgood. Group A. Over there, please. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
What's Group A?

[CORA, spoken]
Obviously mad as a hatter. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
Chief of Police, place that man under arrest. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Just a moment! George—do you ever wonder whether you're real?

[GEORGE, spoken]
Oh, no, sir. I know I'm not. .

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Group One. Over there, please. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
What is this?

[CORA, spoken]
I don’t know, but it’s brilliant!

[SCHUB, spoken]
But which group is what?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
It’s very simple. 
 
(sung)
Grass is green
Sky is blue
A is one
Group one is two
One is one, oh, one is A, you see
 
[CORA]
Grass is green
Sky is blue
One is one
And A is too

[SCHUB]
No. A is One and
One is, too

[CORA, COOLEY, MAGRUDER & SCHUB]
No, one and one
Is always two to me! (No, One is green)
(A is blue) (No, A is green)
(One can be in) (One is blue) (No, One is one)
I don’t agree (A, you see) (A is “out” and) (A is one group)
A is you and (A is crazy) (One is “in”) (Too)
Me (Maybe) (I agree) (See?)

[JUNE]
Aah—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Ah, here's a handsome young couple. Watchcry!

[JUNE]
A woman's place is in the home

[JOHN]
A woman's place is in the house

[JUNE]
And home is where you hang your hat

[JOHN]
And that is where you hang your spouse

[JUNE]
A woman's place is in the home

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Ah, dear Mr. And Mrs. Hapgood—

[JUNE, spoken]
Oh, we're not married, Doctor. He's June and I'm John. I mean she's John and he's June. 

[JOHN, spoken]
June and John are engaged. 

[JUNE, spoken]
John's my secretary. 

[JOHN, spoken]
June used to be my secretary, but his corporation went bust. 

[JUNE, spoken]
And her syndicate took over. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Well, it all would be in the family if you got married. 

[JOHN, spoken]
But John can't support June. 

[JUNE, spoken]
Every cent John makes goes to pay for June's dinners. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Well, why doesn't June give John a raise?

[JUNE, spoken]
He's not worth it. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
I see. And neither of you wants John to stay at home and do the housekeeping because—

[JOHN & JUNE, spoken]
Because—
(sung)
A woman's place is in the home
A woman's place is on the shelf

[JOHN, JUNE & HAPGOOD]
And home is where he hangs her hat
And that is where she hangs himself

[CORA & SCHUB, spoken]
Group?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
June, Group A. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
Chief of Police!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
John, Group One. 
Watchcry! 

[JUNE]
A woman's place is in the home
A woman’s place is in the house

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[GEORGE]
I'm the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[MAN 1]
If at first you don't succeed
Try, try again

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[WOMAN 1]
Beauty is only skin deep

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[MAN 2]
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[All sing different watchcries simultaneously.]

[SCHUB, spoken]
Stop the music! They're all joining groups. Now Doctor, it would help if you could produce someone who is sane, present company excluded, of course. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Oh, of course. 
Ah—good lad. Hapgood. Watchcry!

[MARTIN]
You can't judge a book by its cover
No, you can't judge a book by its cover
You can't judge a book
By how literate it look
No, you can't judge a book by its cubber

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Occupation?

[MARTIN, spoken]
Going to schools, riding in buses, and eating in restaurants. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Well, isn't that line of work getting rather easy?

[MARTIN, spoken]
Not for me. I'm Jewish. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Oh. 

[MARTIN, spoken]
Group A, would you say?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Well, Group One's more fun. 

[MARTIN, spoken]
Crazy. 

[CORA, spoken]
Group A...

[SCHUB, spoken]
Group One...

[CORA, spoken]
It's maddening!

[SCHUB, spoken]
But what's the difference between them?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
It's obvious. 
(sung)
The opposite of dark is bright
The opposite of bright is dumb
So anyone who's dark is dumb—

[MARTIN, HAPGOOD]
But they sure can hum
Hum!
The opposite of dark is bright (Hum! Hum! Hum!)
The opposite of bright is dumb (Hum! Hum! Hum!)
So

[MARTIN & HAPGOOD]
Anyone who's dark is dumb

[HAPGOOD]
That's the rule of thumb

[MARTIN]
Depends where you're from

[HAPGOOD]
Simple? Simple? Simple?

[HAPGOOD & GROUPS]
Simple as A-B-C

[GROUPS]
Simple? SImple? Simple?

[HAPGOOD]
Simple as NAACP

[MAN, spoken]
I get the point, Comptroller Hapgood. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
Oh, shut up and get into Group A. 

[CORA, spoken]
Who's he?

[SCHUB, spoken]
My brother-in-law. 

[CORA, spoken]
What was he doing on the line?

[SCHUB, spoken]
Who is on that line?

[CORA, spoken]
Who is what on that line?

[SCHUB, spoken]
Doctor, you are not doing what we want you to!

[CORA, spoken]
No, you're absolutely right. Hapgood—darling—

(sung)
Grass is green
Sky is blue
I'll join any group with you
Schub's a boob, and you belong to me!
Simple? Simple?
Simple as one-two-three
One-two-three

[CORA & GROUPS]
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three
One-two-three

[WOMAN, spoken]
Doctor, what group am I in?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Group One!

[MAN, spoken]
Where do I belong?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Ha ha, group A!

[WOMAN, spoken]
Where am I?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Group One!

[HAPGOOD & GROUPS all talk together cacaphonously.]

[SCHUB, spoken]
Cora! Your honor! He’s taking over! They're turning to him! Now stop it!
Doctor—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Yes. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
Group A, sane? Group One, sane? The truth now. Which—is—what?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Group A. Watchcry!

[GROUP A speaks their watchcries cacaphonously.]

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Rub your stomachs!
Good. Good. 
Group One. Watchcry!

[GROUP ONE speaks their watchcries cacaphonously.]

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Pat your heads. Hello, hello...
Good... Hello. Hello...
Reverse! Good. Hello. Hello...
That's good, good
Oh, very, very good, Comptroller. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
Oh, dammit!

[CORA, spoken]
I adore games!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[CORA, spoken]
Hello. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
He's boring from within!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[SCHUB, spoken]
Communist!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
You would say that. 
(sung)
The opposite of left is right
The opposite of right is wrong
So anyone who's left is wrong, right?

[GROUP ONE, spoken]
Good, good. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Hello!

[GROUP A, spoken]
Hello!

[HAPGOOD]
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-C
Simple as one-two-

[HAPGOOD & GROUPS]
Three cheers for the red, white and blue

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Now look here, I'm the Chief of Police—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Ours not to reason why
Ours but to do or die
Sergeant Magruder reporting, sir!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Occupation?

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Fighting the enemy. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
What enemy?

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
What year?

[HAPGOOD]
Yesterday:

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
The Germans: Heil!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
The day before:

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
The Germans: Heil!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Today:

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
The Germans: Hail!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Tomorrow:

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Hail!
Heil!
Hail?... Heil?... Hail?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Group A. 

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Heil?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Group One. 

[MAGRUDER, spoken]
Hail? Heil?

[COOLEY, spoken]
You're just making him seem crazy. As City Treasurer I demand facts and figures. 

[HAPGOOD]
Grass is blue
Sky is green
Change of time is change of scene
What you meant is what you mean!
(spoken)
Watchcry!

[COOLEY]
Hallelujah!
(spoken)
Now listen, brother—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Occupation?

[COOLEY, spoken]
Preacher—no, um, Treasurer Cooley. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Oh, you were a preacher, Hapgood. 

[COOLEY, spoken]
I'm a treasurer, Cooley, I mean—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
And they kicked you out of your pulpit. 

[COOLEY, spoken]
Brother—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Because you were crazy. 

[COOLEY, spoken]
Because I believed!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
In being treasurer. 

[COOLEY, spoken]
In God! They only believed in religion!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Ah! And that's what drove you crazy, Hapgood. 

[COOLEY, spoken]
I am not crazy, Cooley!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Oh yes, you're crazy, Hapgood. 

[COOLEY, spoken]
I am not Cooley, I mean, I am not crazy. I'm Hapgood!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Are you sure?

[COOLEY, spoken]
I am completely Schub!

[SCHUB, spoken]
He's crazy!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Thank you. Group A. Over there, please. Watchcry!

[GROUP A responds with their watchcries; HAPGOOD turns to GROUP ONE.]

Watchcry!

[GROUP ONE responds with their watchcries; HAPGOOD turns to SCHUB.]

Watchcry!

[SCHUB, spoken]
I don't have one, Cooley! I mean, Hapgood. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[SCHUB, spoken]
We are going to end all this right here and now, my dear Treasurer, I mean, Doctor, dammit!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Ha ha ha ha ha. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
All right now. Ha ha ha ha. Which is—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Two questions. 

[SCHUB, spoken]
One answer. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Just two little questions, Schub, and you'll know which group is what. Where does most of your money go?

[SCHUB, spoken]
I hardly think—

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Where does most of your money go, Hapgood?

[SCHUB, spoken]
In taxes. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken, to the GROUPS]
Good. 

[GROUPS, spoken]
Good. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken, to SCHUB]
What do you think of someone who makes a product and doesn't use it?

[SCHUB, spoken]
He's crazy. 

[HAPGOOD, spoken, to the GROUPS]
Hello! Hello!

[GROUPS, spoken]
Hello! Hello!

[HAPGOOD, spoken, to SCHUB]
And most of your money goes to the government in taxes. What does the government do with most of the money? Makes bombs...

[To the GROUPS.]

Reverse!
Good. Hello! Hello!

[To SCHUB.]

But you say that anyone who makes a product and doesn't use it is crazy
Isn't that what you said, Comptroller Cooley? Well then, doesn't that make you crazy for letting them waste your money, Treasurer Schub?

[To the GROUPS.]

Reverse!

[To SCHUB.]

But perhaps the government is making bombs because it means to use the product. Which means that all of us will be killed, Hapgood. Including you, Schub. 

[To the GROUPS.]

Both together now!

[To SCHUB.]

Which means that you are paying most of your money to have yourself killed. Which means, my dear Doctor Comptroller Mayor Schub, you are the maddest of all! Watchcry!

[SCHUB, spoken]
Help!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[CORA, spoken]
Brilliant!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Watchcry!

[GROUPS]
Grass is green

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Good. 

[GROUPS]
Sky is blue

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Ah, very good. 

[GROUPS]
Grass is green (The opposite of left is right)
Sky is blue (The opposite of right is wrong)
Grass is green (The opposite of left is right)
Sky is blue (The opposite of right is wrong)
The opposite of left is right (Grass is green)
The opposite of right is wrong (Sky is blue)
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-three
The opposite of right is wrong
Is right (Is wrong)
Is right (Is wrong)
Is A (Is One)
Is A (Is One)
Hello!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Hello!

[GROUPS, spoken]
Hello!

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
Hello!

[GROUPS, spoken]
Good! Good!
A is One!
A is One is A is
Grass is who is opposite of what is
Green is safe the opposite of dark is
Opposite of simple which is
Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry!

One is one, two is two
Who is what and which is who?
Who is what? Which is who?
Which is who is who?

[HAPGOOD, spoken]
You are all mad. 

[Rows of theater seats appear onstage and the cast sits in them, laughing and applauding the real audience as the curtain falls.]