(Spoken intro)
[CHRIS FARLEY]
So, you remember when Bill Murray came, when you were the medieval barber and he came in and his legs were all broken after having too much mead?

[STEVE MARTIN]
Yeah, what about it?

[CHRIS FARLEY]
That was awesome!

[STEVE MARTIN]
That was a long time ago

[VICTORIA JACKSON]
Steve, want to run lines for our scene?

[STEVE MARTIN]
We have a sketch together? Is it on cue cards?

[VICTORIA JACKSON]
I guess so

[STEVE MARTIN]
Then what's the problem?

[CHRIS FARLEY]
Mr. Martin, before you go, I was wondering. I found this in wardrobe, and I was wondering if you could sign it?
[STEVE MARTIN]
My old King Tut costume! I remember this. This was back when the show meant something. Back when I used to care

(Song)
[STEVE MARTIN]
Something's out there
Something's in the air
Don't know how, don't know why
Got a feeling tonight's the night I'm actually gonna try

Not gonna phone it in tonight
Not gonna go through the motions tonight
This time I'm really gonna do the best I can
Mr. Cue Card Man, put those down over there
For some reason, tonight I care

Not gonna phone it in tonight
Not gonna read my screenplay during the songs tonight
I could walk through my parts and still be hilarious
I've done it so often before
But look at these faces! Just look at this fat guy
He wants more! He wants more!

[AUDIENCE MEMBER]
Hey, I'm not fat!
[STEVE MARTIN]
Please!
So many times I faked it, just because I could
I'm that good
But 20 percent won't do it tonight

[MIKE MYERS]
Mr. Martin, I'll do it for you tonight

[JULIA SWEENEY]
Gonna do something different tonight
Something says not to do just Pat tonight

[TIM MEADOWS]
I don't have any lines, I'm not in the show
But something tells me if I were, I'd be rarin' to go

[CHRIS FARLEY]
Not gonna get liquored up tonight
I'm not gonna have a drink tonight
I'm not gonna drink till Update is through
That's a promise to you, the viewer!
Yes, after the show, I'll drink till I spew
But for now, I'm clearheaded for you

[PHIL HARTMAN]
I hide behind these wigs and this makeup
But tonight I'm gonna let myself shine through
Yes, they're gonna see the real Phil Hartman tonight
[STEVE MARTIN]
I wouldn't do that, Phil

[PHIL HARTMAN]
Okay

[STEVE MARTIN]
Follow me, everyone! Let's go make an effort
Not gonna have dead air tonight
Gonna seem as if we care tonight

[KEVIN NEALON]
But Steve, aren't you rich?

[STEVE MARTIN]
I'm worth $17 million
I could buy and sell you and you and you a thousand times over
But tonight, there's a show to do

[JOE DICSO]
Five minutes to monologue, Mr. Martin

[STEVE MARTIN]
Thanks, Joe!

[JOE DICSO]
I can't get fired. I've got a union job
But somehow tonight, it doesn't matter that I'm in with the mob

[STAGEHANDS]
Gonna move our lardasses tonight
We're gonna move our fat Teamster asses tonight

[LORNE MICHAELS]
Steve, what's going on?

[STEVE MARTIN]
We're going to do our best tonight, Lorne

[LORNE MICHAELS]
But Steve, the show's on automatic pilot. I don't even come in until Saturday

[STEVE MARTIN]
Lorne, don't you see? That's not the way it was in the 70's. Back in the 70's, people cared. They believed in something! Now it's the 80's, and everything's yuppie, yuppie, yuppie, spend, spend, spend!

[LORNE MICHAELS]
Steve, it's the '90s

[STEVE MARTIN]
Whatever! You see
I just want to see
How good I can be
I just want to know

[LORNE MICHAELS]
Then go, Steve, go
And have a great show!

[STEVE MARTIN]
Thanks, Lorne. I feel young again! I feel like I'm 38!

[ALL]
We're gonna learn our lines, do our parts well
Then we'll go back to coasting
But not while Steve's hosting
'Cause we're not gonna phone it in tonight
Not gonna sleepwalk through it tonight

[STEVE MARTIN]
I made it happen

[CAST]
Steve made it happen

[STEVE MARTIN]
Now it's in sight

[CAST}
Now it's in sight

{STEVE MARTIN]
Live from New York, uh, line? It's Saturday night!